Raaaaageee or whatever

No idea.

I seriously must of fucked something up in my shoulder/back cause the last week or so has been nothing but painful. I saw a doctor about it and she put me on three kinds of meds. Muscle relaxers (which I told her didn't really help.. nice to know she listened) a steroid pack, and Tramadol which is a pain med, which also doesn't really help much.

I have a physical therapy appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully we will figure out what the deal is and go from there. Till then I'm going to try and find my sling or just go out and get a new one. Moving my arm around too much hurts :(

It's annoying to be broken all the time, especially when it comes to work. I'm sick and tired, as well as embarrassed and ashamed to have to go to a lead and ask to be put into a different rotation or to freeze in a certain spot because of how I'm feeling. I stuck it out for the most part yesterday with loading. Thankfully it wasn't that busy, so I didn't have to get in a lot, but regardless, after that when I got home I paid the price. Today I asked if I could be put into an easier rotation that didn't have load. I was at Unload, and that was fine, but my back/shoulder still hurt.. it was to the point where I nearly broke down and in the end, asked if I could go home. That fucking sucks. I hate having to do that, but I know in the end if I don't take care of myself, i'll just get myself into more trouble and won't be able to work at all.

Tomorrow is my 6 year anniversary with Jeff. Crazy.. can't believe it's been that long. I'm a lucky girl to have him in my life.

We're also going to the HHN Wrap Party. Not sure exactly how long I'm going to stay there for. Long enough to take the cast photo, that's for sure, but after that will most likely bail. We'll see. I'm really not much of a club party girl.. ha

10 days and counting till I'm 30. My friend Jon from work actually put together a Walker Reunion/Birthday party for me at the Ale House which is basically the team member stomping ground. I thought that was incredibly sweet :) I'm looking forward to that.

Yep... Can I stop being broken pls? kthx

Rawrgurglegasphack

That's zombie speak for hi.

Over the last 6 weeks I have had the privilege to be a walker for The Walking Dead house for Halloween Horror Nights 22. It was such a wonderful experience and despite the drunks and violent guests, all together it was a lot of fun.

Now I'm back to reality and I feel slightly lost. Like right now I'm supposed to be on set, but I'm sitting in bed... Waiting for sleep.. Sigh.

I don't really have a lot to say about hhn, mostly because I can't really say too much, but in the end, would do it again in a heart beat.

Though getting back to a normal sleeping pattern will be nice.

In health news, apparently my new RA doc told me that I tested negative on the more in depth test for RA. There are two tests apparently, one that says yes you have high chance of RA and another thats Like yep, RA is so there. Its fucked up. I'm not sure how to handle this news when my last doc told me for well over a year that I was positive. I knew my last doc was sketchy, and that's why I left him, but to sit there and lie to my face and treat me for something I don't fully have.. Ugh. I'm planning on calling that doc and asking them what their test results said and compare. Something just doesn't seem right.

I saw my other doc for my Kickuhi Disease the other day. My mother ship lymph node is starting to go back to normal, which is great and he said that it seems to be starting to go into remission. Hoping that's the case. On a whole I've been feeling more like myself, so hooray, though granted I ended up hurting myself Lawl... If its not one thing..

A few months back, in August, I went to a friends wedding. We went rock wall climbing and apparently I pulled a muscle in my back right shoulder/back. Since then its been bothering me and tonight I moved the wrong way and ugh the pain.. It hurt so bad that I had to take one of m left over oxycodone from my surgery and that's not even putting a dent into the pain. Jeff put some Bengay on it for me as well... I haven't been to a doc about it.. But after tonight I really should go in on Monday :( fail sauce.

I am a doctors best customer and an insurance company's worst nightmare.

Oh and I also sprained/fractured my toe next to my big toe a month or so ago. So that's all tapped up.

It's funny, I will go to the docs when it comes to feeling cruddy but for toes and possible tearing of muscles I just sit on it and think it will get better on its own. Fail ha

I turn 30 in a few weeks... Not sure exactly how I feel about that. I have friends down here, but...not ones that would go out of their way to plan a party for me. I've never had that. I know it sounds selfish and lame and I want my 30th bday to be special.. But in reality, it's just going to be another day spent at work. Yeah, Jeff and I are going to Tampa the weekend before, going to go to Busch gardens and the aquarium and that's awesome and I'm incredibly happy we're doing that, but I just wish I was back home where planning a party is easier..  Like, earlier today I over heard a co worker saying they are planning a surprise birthday party for another co worker and I couldn't help but feel jealous cause none of my friends down here would do that for me :( Ugh I'm such a whiny brat right now. I blame the meds... And my stupid brain.

K this is getting dumb, I'm gonna stop writing now

Taped Together

I feel like I'm barely being held together and honestly it's a miracle that I haven't done anything harsh yet. My daughter, Faith, would of been due this week. July 5th to be exact had things gone differently and she had fully develeoped. Hell, I don't even know if she was even going to be a girl, but deep down I had a feelin she would of been. These last two days I have noticed that I took a pretty sharp dip in my mental state. I've been clinically depressed before and Im scared to death to be put back on mediacation, mostly because those are the reasons why Faith never fully developed and miscarried. I'm trying to do things to distract myself, play music, play games, hung out with some friends, there were a few times where even work distracted me enough, but something about today at work just didn't fit and there were several occasions where I nearly broke down on the turn table. In the end after having a difficult situation with someone I ended up just breaking down in the lead office. Thankfully they were able to let me go home early, but it's embarrassing. I'm not gonna lie right now, I'm slightly drunk right now and honestly wish I was more so, but I know that is just self harm and it's something that I can't do, nor do I want to do..... but at the same time there are days where I keep asking myself just how much more I can take before I just break apart and become unfixable....

Good news and weird news..

Good news! I don't have cancer, but I do have something called Kikuchi Disease. It's a rare disease normally found in Japan. Weird right? From the sounds of it and the little info I was able to find on it, it won't kill me. Which is a good thing, but it will, and already has, caused me problems. I'm prone to having fevers atleast a few times a week now, my energy is just lack there of and I normally just have a feeling of cruddy..I just want to start feeling better. I have an appointment next Monday with a doc that will hopefully help figure this out and put me on meds that will help me feel more like myself. Ugh.... I hate feeling like crap.

What if?

Lately I've been noticing that I've been having those 'good days' and 'bad days' when it comes to my health, both physical, as well as mental. There are days where I have energy, I'm chipper, happy.. but then I've been having days where my thoughts go back to what my life has been like for the past year. Between being diagnosed with RA, my ex-fiance committing suicide, to depression and being put on medication, to a miscarriage, to the serious threat of cancer, it's been a challenge to say the least.

Though I keep telling myself, "This is only for now, all this is just a tiny portion of my life compared to the rest of it and it'll pass."

But sometimes it's just really hard to convince myself that.

I'm getting the results of my biopsy back tomorrow and I'm scared. A part of me is like "Nope, no cancer, I'm fine, this is just a fluke." But I can't help but be scared that there's that real danger that I may have Lymphoma. And if I do, what do I do? How can I afford to miss work? How the hell will I pay for all my medical bills and that's just the frivolous stuff. How am I going to live? Will the medication I'm put on ruin whatever chances I have of ever having children in the future? Will I survive this? Or will cancer just completely take over my body and just kill me over time.

I can't stand the thought of cancer killing me, to have something take over my body and just render me useless till I'm just laying in bed, waiting to be released.

I have a really bad habit of always thinking of the worst case scenario and Jeff always tells me to stop because it does nothing but stress me out.. but I guess the reason why I always think of worst case scenarios is because that way, in some small form, I'm preparing myself for it, so that way if I do get good news, it's great.

blargs... tomorrow better hurry up.

yep

for some reason i'm in a bitter mood tonight.

a friend, well, ex, is expecting a child.

and it's not fair.

why?

because why is it fair for someone who was so against having kids in the first place expecting a child, when someone like me who wanted a kid finally gets her chance, but then has it torn away because of a blighted ovum and then afterward being slapped with the high possibility of having cancer which may ruin any further possibility of ever having kids in the future.

thanks universe for fucking me over and giving things to people who never wanted them in the first place instead of to people who really do want them.

though i am glad that he's being responsible and not fleeing the scene. that's good at least.

awake

It's 5am and I'm wide awake. I took an oxycodone earlier. Helped with the pain, slept for maybe two hours,  but that was it. Woke back up, tossed, turned.. can't get back to sleep..

Then it hit me.

I had my surgical biopsy on Thursday. For the most part it went pretty well. Felt like crap after and had a bit of a fever the next day, but all in all, I'm recovering fairly well. They took a few lymph nodes and will be testing them for Lymphoma, to which I'll get the results with in a few days (hopefully) but I can't help but be scared out of my fucking mind.

Why?

Because it's not the dying part of cancer right now that was the first to scare me, it's not the pain in the ass sick as hell road ahead of me that I'm scared of, it's the "How the fuck am I going to pay for this shit?".

Goes to show how awesome this country is right? Where the first thing someone thinks of when they find out they may have cancer is how they're going to pay for it.

I keep telling myself though that I don't have cancer. I'm fine and I'm just worrying over nothing. I don't have all of the crazy symptoms, like night sweats, crazy weight loss.. Yeah I've had mild fevers more so than normal, but that may just be because of an infection my body is trying to fight off that cause the swollen lymph nodes. 

But the fact that more lymph nodes are starting to pop up and spread... and the fact that I have been fairly tired recently and my energy just isn't all there..

Ugh, I don't have cancer... I need to stop freaking out over nothing.

Late night

Lots of things going on.

I have surgery set for Thursday to remove some lymph nodes. They want to do a more in depth test for lymphoma. That's fun.. needless to say the last few months I've been dealing with this hasn't been the most pleasant. I doubt I have it though, only because I'm not showing most of the signs.. only like.. the major one with swollen lymph nodes, but very very few of the rest if that makes sense.

I'm at playlist live right now. Honestly, conventions for me are basically just a chunk of time to hang out with my friends that I don't see very often with the bonus of seeing random talent.

Though I feel like recently, something always ticks me off or gets me in a mood that just bothers me and hurts my feelings.

I'm done trying to be a cool kid. I'm done trying to hang out with people who clearly don't want to make an effort to hang out with me (but only do when they need something from me). I went down to the pool so I could hang out with a few people. Was swimming with a group I considered friends, but i kept getting the vibe that they didn't want to be around me and you can tell with how they just slowly kept swimming away and turning their backs from time to time. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but over the years I've learned how to read the body language of someone who doesn't want anything to do with you and that fucking hurts..

I don't want to be seen as that person just awkwardly standing in the background that someone can't get rid of. I hate that and I always feel bad when I see that at conventions. I guess it's one of the main reasons why I always jump around between different groups... but am never really fully a part of one.

I just want to feel like I belong.

I'd just like to be considered..

I'm done trying...

/whine /emo /fail

fuck, you'd think i'm old enough to not care about this bull shit

Unpublished Memories

I can't even begin to count the amount of hours I've spent sitting in front of a camera where the footage that was created never saw the light of day, or the posts that I've written where the publish post button was never pushed.

I feel like my need to blog/vlog suddenly left me.

I used to have a livejournal account that I wrote in for nearly 7 years. It's still there, but I haven't written in it in forever and in a way, I feel really bad. I feel like I've abandoned a trusted confidant. Something that I've poured my heart and soul into, my history, in a sense, and then just one day..... stopped.

Then I picked up a blogpost, thinking maybe a new platform will help motivate me in writing more. I mean, a bunch of my friends in the youtube community have one, so it's a good networking tool other than youtube to stay connected, but even then, my fingers just couldn't type the words I wanted to type.

In a way, I felt like I suddenly had this silencing veil thrown onto me, telling me that I should be careful what I say. In a way, it's true, but at the same time, it's hindered me. Greatly.

I sat in front of my camera today and tried to vlog. Some of the footage I'm sure is usable.. but toward the end I just thought.. why am I doing this? This isn't good footage.. nobody is going to watch this, so why bother?

I really should stop putting myself down and actually just jump in with two feet.

Though I keep saying that and nothing happens.

Update

It's been a while since I've last written in this, or even vlog for that matter. Guess it's because I didn't really want to talk, at all, really..

A lot has went on over the last few months. Back in October I found out that I was pregnant. Not going to lie, that it scared me half to death. We weren't sure what we were going do do. We weren't ready. A few weeks later in November I ended up miscarrying. A part of me sees it as a blessing in disguise, but mostly I was devastated... and still am.

Then around Christmas time my lymph node in my neck started to swell. I didn't really think anything of it till a little bit after new years when it started to hurt. Went in to the clinic at work, waste of $10, went to my reg doc, was given antibiotics. It didn't go away, so two weeks later, my doc told me to see a general surgeon.

Saw him today, and now tomorrow I have to get a cat scan and then after pending on results, I get a surgical biopsy done. Hooray for battle scars.

Other than my immune system completely hating me, things have been going decently well. I'm leaving Dragon's and going to Bluto's Barges. It'll be a nice change of pace.

Yepper...