awake

It's 5am and I'm wide awake. I took an oxycodone earlier. Helped with the pain, slept for maybe two hours,  but that was it. Woke back up, tossed, turned.. can't get back to sleep..

Then it hit me.

I had my surgical biopsy on Thursday. For the most part it went pretty well. Felt like crap after and had a bit of a fever the next day, but all in all, I'm recovering fairly well. They took a few lymph nodes and will be testing them for Lymphoma, to which I'll get the results with in a few days (hopefully) but I can't help but be scared out of my fucking mind.

Why?

Because it's not the dying part of cancer right now that was the first to scare me, it's not the pain in the ass sick as hell road ahead of me that I'm scared of, it's the "How the fuck am I going to pay for this shit?".

Goes to show how awesome this country is right? Where the first thing someone thinks of when they find out they may have cancer is how they're going to pay for it.

I keep telling myself though that I don't have cancer. I'm fine and I'm just worrying over nothing. I don't have all of the crazy symptoms, like night sweats, crazy weight loss.. Yeah I've had mild fevers more so than normal, but that may just be because of an infection my body is trying to fight off that cause the swollen lymph nodes. 

But the fact that more lymph nodes are starting to pop up and spread... and the fact that I have been fairly tired recently and my energy just isn't all there..

Ugh, I don't have cancer... I need to stop freaking out over nothing.