What if?

Lately I've been noticing that I've been having those 'good days' and 'bad days' when it comes to my health, both physical, as well as mental. There are days where I have energy, I'm chipper, happy.. but then I've been having days where my thoughts go back to what my life has been like for the past year. Between being diagnosed with RA, my ex-fiance committing suicide, to depression and being put on medication, to a miscarriage, to the serious threat of cancer, it's been a challenge to say the least.

Though I keep telling myself, "This is only for now, all this is just a tiny portion of my life compared to the rest of it and it'll pass."

But sometimes it's just really hard to convince myself that.

I'm getting the results of my biopsy back tomorrow and I'm scared. A part of me is like "Nope, no cancer, I'm fine, this is just a fluke." But I can't help but be scared that there's that real danger that I may have Lymphoma. And if I do, what do I do? How can I afford to miss work? How the hell will I pay for all my medical bills and that's just the frivolous stuff. How am I going to live? Will the medication I'm put on ruin whatever chances I have of ever having children in the future? Will I survive this? Or will cancer just completely take over my body and just kill me over time.

I can't stand the thought of cancer killing me, to have something take over my body and just render me useless till I'm just laying in bed, waiting to be released.

I have a really bad habit of always thinking of the worst case scenario and Jeff always tells me to stop because it does nothing but stress me out.. but I guess the reason why I always think of worst case scenarios is because that way, in some small form, I'm preparing myself for it, so that way if I do get good news, it's great.

blargs... tomorrow better hurry up.