Taped Together

I feel like I'm barely being held together and honestly it's a miracle that I haven't done anything harsh yet. My daughter, Faith, would of been due this week. July 5th to be exact had things gone differently and she had fully develeoped. Hell, I don't even know if she was even going to be a girl, but deep down I had a feelin she would of been. These last two days I have noticed that I took a pretty sharp dip in my mental state. I've been clinically depressed before and Im scared to death to be put back on mediacation, mostly because those are the reasons why Faith never fully developed and miscarried. I'm trying to do things to distract myself, play music, play games, hung out with some friends, there were a few times where even work distracted me enough, but something about today at work just didn't fit and there were several occasions where I nearly broke down on the turn table. In the end after having a difficult situation with someone I ended up just breaking down in the lead office. Thankfully they were able to let me go home early, but it's embarrassing. I'm not gonna lie right now, I'm slightly drunk right now and honestly wish I was more so, but I know that is just self harm and it's something that I can't do, nor do I want to do..... but at the same time there are days where I keep asking myself just how much more I can take before I just break apart and become unfixable....