Late night

Lots of things going on.

I have surgery set for Thursday to remove some lymph nodes. They want to do a more in depth test for lymphoma. That's fun.. needless to say the last few months I've been dealing with this hasn't been the most pleasant. I doubt I have it though, only because I'm not showing most of the signs.. only like.. the major one with swollen lymph nodes, but very very few of the rest if that makes sense.

I'm at playlist live right now. Honestly, conventions for me are basically just a chunk of time to hang out with my friends that I don't see very often with the bonus of seeing random talent.

Though I feel like recently, something always ticks me off or gets me in a mood that just bothers me and hurts my feelings.

I'm done trying to be a cool kid. I'm done trying to hang out with people who clearly don't want to make an effort to hang out with me (but only do when they need something from me). I went down to the pool so I could hang out with a few people. Was swimming with a group I considered friends, but i kept getting the vibe that they didn't want to be around me and you can tell with how they just slowly kept swimming away and turning their backs from time to time. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but over the years I've learned how to read the body language of someone who doesn't want anything to do with you and that fucking hurts..

I don't want to be seen as that person just awkwardly standing in the background that someone can't get rid of. I hate that and I always feel bad when I see that at conventions. I guess it's one of the main reasons why I always jump around between different groups... but am never really fully a part of one.

I just want to feel like I belong.

I'd just like to be considered..

I'm done trying...

/whine /emo /fail

fuck, you'd think i'm old enough to not care about this bull shit