The worst feeling in the world is failing to be your mommy... i am so sorry...

the following may not make sense

I told myself I was going to make more videos. I haven't done that yet, besides that small one in the airport nearly two weeks ago. I want to make more vlogs, I want to be more present with in the community, but I'm losing motivation. I don't know why.. well, I take that back. I do know why. I'm trying hard to work on it, but it just seems like there are all these brick walls in my way. I get home from work and the last thing I want to do is make a video.. but I need to. I have to. I want to.

Work today was eh.. I felt off nearly all day. My mood was all over the place. I was happy and hyper in the morning, then toward the afternoon got really quiet and barely spoke a word and was not all with it, then later on before I left I had a decent mood, but wasn't feeling well. I know I'm fighting something off because I have a swollen lymph node under my armpit. ugh..

ugh... now i'm falling asleep at the keyboard.. meds are kicking in.. yep..

short blog is short

blurb

I really wish I had friends in the area who I could call in a heart beat if I needed someone...

September Vacation

(This post was written last week-ish)

Oh hai

Right now I'm in Pennsylvania. Arrived back on Sunday and will be here till Weds. So far this vacation is a bit bitter-sweet, which I will explain in a moment.

On Friday, after a two hour delay from massive thunderstorms in Orlando, I arrived in Connecticut. Saturday morning, my brother and I woke up before sun rise and began our day trip up to Maine for my best friend, Theresa's wedding. It was a 4 hour trip up and I had to be there a few hours before since I was going to be doing one of the readings. Once there, I helped Theresa get ready, was told when I was going to go up and do my reading, etc, scolded the groom for trying to sneak a peak and then was greeted by two other of my closest friends. It was nice to have the four of us all together again. In a way, you could call us the girl version of the Marauders (minus the whole one going evil etc).

The ceremony itself was short and beautiful. It was hard to believe that I was sitting there watching my best friend getting married. I'm so happy for her and I know her husband will take amazing care of her. The party afterward was also lots of fun where a bunch of us played catch up with each other.

The one picture the four of us always has to have done at least
once a year if we're together

In a way, Saturday was bitter-sweet. It was awesome to see my best friend get married and to see my three closest friends again, but to only have a day with them and then to have to say goodbye and not know when we'll be able to see other again was pretty hard.

Sunday, Craig and I made our way down to Barryville, NY for breakfast with Phil's parents. It was incredibly weird and surreal to be driving down the route that was practically a normal routine for me every weekend  all those years back. When I got there, in some ways it felt like it hadn't even been six years since the last time I was there. There were some changes though. The kitchen was remodeled, they added a half bath down stairs,  Phil's garden out back was larger... the only thing missing was Phil.. and it didn't feel right to be there and not have him there.

After breakfast, we walked up to the cemetery where Phil's grave is. A part of me was hoping that after seeing his grave, it would give me some form of closure and help me move on... and in some small way it did, but in a way it almost felt like I was starting to mourn from square one again. His mother told me that he has some nice company around, which was nice.. It took a moment for me to walk up to it since I paused in step and stood there, unsure if I wanted to go closer. My brother had to come up and take my hand to bring me over. I sat down next to his grave and just put my hand on the ground and just sat..I can't even begin to explain what I felt when I had my hand on the dirt. It was almost as if I could feel him. They gave me a moment to be by myself.. which I was thankful for. They haven't gotten his tombstone yet, since they're still waiting for the ground to settle a bit more. So right now, they have a small american flag, one of his whiskey bottles that's holding some flowers, as well as another pot of flowers. I know that Phil would approve of the space that he has right now.. it's a nice area and he's in the country side that he loved so much.

Afterward, my brother and I drove down to Knoebels in PA where we met up with my friends Cody and Justin as well as a few of their friends. It was nice to be able to run around and go on the coasters and the rides and get my mind off of earlier that day.

We stayed till the park closed at 7 and I said my goodbyes to Justin and Cody as well as their friends who came along as well. A part of me didn't want it to end so soon. I rarely see Justin and Cody because of the distance and I was sad to leave, but I know there will be more opportunities hopefully in the future.

Craig and I then drove over to Nana and Uncle George's house which is out in Bucks County. It's a very farm oriented , Quaker type area. Lots of corn.... like.. loads. They have a little farm market run by the Tanner family called Tanner Brother's Market or something along them lines. It's been there since God knows when and it's a store that I love so much. I have so many memories of going in there when I was younger and helping Nana shop for fresh local produce.

-Fast Forward-

I stayed at my Nana's for a few days. It was relaxing to just hang out and not really have anything to do, but a part of me couldn't relax. I kept worrying about Nana and almost in a way, keep an eye on her. Ever since she retired, it seems as if she went down hill. She's not quite the same as she was last time I saw her at Christmas. Her memory isn't as sharp, it's hard for her to move around.. it's down right scary. My uncle and mum are even talking about going over her will this month. I don't even want to think about that. Ugh..

I took the train from Trenton back to Hartford. I couldn't help but be scared for my Nana when she drove back to the house. Thankfully she got back safe and sound.

Next day I was on my way back to Florida on a flight that was not very enjoyable, but thankfully landed safe and sound.

In other news, I have a few more doctor appointments coming up..Starting to get tired of them.. but if it helps.. whatever.

yep

Accepting Help

A few weeks ago, I took one of the biggest steps of my life.

I asked for help.

For a few years now, I've been dealing with anxiety and depression. I refused to get help because in my head I was like "Why do I have to get help? I can get myself out of these funks just fine. I got this." And for a while, I was able to force myself out of it.

But with in the past few months, things started going down hill quick. My thoughts were becoming more frequent. I would sit in front of my meds and wonder, "How much would it take?". Between my diagnoses of RA (with the possibility of Lupus), Phil's suicide, money, job and relationship stuff, I had reached my breaking point and I cracked and had a nervous breakdown (which included me punching a door..). I seriously considered just ending it all. I didn't try though, but long story short, it was a very bad night.

Jeff convinced me to finally get some help. The next day I called my doctor and made an appointment. I went in and just explained everything that was going on. After talking and making me get an xray for my hand (which was fine), he prescribed me an anti-depressant/anxiety medication called Lexapro and referred me to talk to someone.

I was a little uneasy about going on medication since there is a social stigma that floats around it, but one of my friends put it this way. You take a multi-vitamin to supplement what your body doesn't create or what you're not getting enough of. If you don't make enough glucose, you take medicine to supplement that. At this moment, my brain just doesn't make enough serotonin and I have to take something to help balance it out. So after looking at it from that angle, it made things just a little bit easier.

I've only been on it for a few weeks and slowly my body has been adjusting. After the first night of taking it, I slept nearly all day, as well as the day after that. So besides just being tired and drowsy, which thankfully is slowly getting less of, it's slowly beginning to work. Work doesn't stress me out as much and I'm able to handle stressful situations more calmly, and the 'thoughts' are getting less and less.

I had my first appointment with a "shrink" the other day. It went okay, it was just one of those "Let's get to know each other and why you're here" type of deal. Come to find out that he doesn't deal with medication and I need a doc I can talk to as well as deal with meds. So he referred me to another person.. all while saying I should keep seeing him. Um... why? Don't really see a point in seeing two shrinks when I can just see one who is an all-in-one doc. Warning bells went off in my head when he mentioned that. Only down side right now is that my appointment with the other guy isn't till October, so I'll see the other guy one or two more times till this guy rolls around and then go from there.

A part of me was scared about writing this out and throwing it out there for the world to see, but at the same time, I need to write this stuff out. Writing used to be a huge outlet for me (with Livejournal) and I used to write and write with out a care in the world of who would read it... and lately I've been nervous about who reads my stuff... but no more. From now on, this blog will most likely not be censored. It'll most likely be riddled with ramblings that may not make any sense at all and there maybe days where things will be thought out... but I'm done with being worried about who reads this. Though it helps when not a lot of people read it in the first place.. ha..

Anyway.. my meds are kicking in and I'm getting tired... tomorrow's my friday. huzzah.

It's still there..

Again, I've been neglecting this blog again.. I used to write nearly all the time, especially back when I had a LiveJournal account. I guess it's just because I feel as if I just can't write as "freely" as I used to be able to.

I've been struggling a lot these last few months, more so than I care to admit. I feel like all I do now is just throw on another face and go about my day, pretending that everything is fine, when really it's not. Every day I trick myself into smiling, into acting like everything is fine. I drown myself in other things to push what's really going on out of the way.

I'm still not over his death. You would think that three months later that I would be fine, that I would of accepted and move on, but this... I can't. I can't accept that he shot himself. I can't accept that he's just gone, just like that, before I even had a chance to apologize. It doesn't help either that he's been popping up into my dreams a lot recently. Sometimes it's nice, where we just talk about random things, sometimes it's scary (I dream about that night).

I see a picture and I think to myself, "How can he be gone? How could he have done that?"

At the end of September I'll be driving down to visit his grave on my way to visit my Nana and uncle. Maybe then I'll be able to finally be able to start the process of moving on....

but I don't think I'll ever be able to accept that he's gone..

Aliens!

I had the craziest dream last night.

In the dream it was me and a few other people and for some reason we were on our way to Alan and Kirsten's house for something. On the way there, we got lost and I looked at the map and was like "Oh right! They  moved!" So we tried going in another direction and in the middle of all this, somehow we broke down and had to crash at this random person's house.

So we went down stairs into their finished basement to sleep and there were bombs going off in the distance and this woman was like "Don't worry, those windows are bullet proof." O.O

Then the scene switched and apparently we were abducted by aliens. It was so weird, they had really really long faces... their mouths were at the bottom like a normal face with a chin and a neck.. but then above the mouth their faces were really really long.. almost like a second neck and on top were the eyes and nose. And they were purple. Now at this point the scene looked to me as if I was floating around, just watching it happen, but they shuffled us onto these little hover pads that looked like taxi's. After that they brought us to this facility and it turned out to be a nursing home/ hospital, which was awkward and apparently I had an aunt there who looked like she was 12 but really she was 98 and later on they told us we had the option to leave and go back home, but if we wanted to do that we had to chose one of two things before we go: One get some form of shock to the heart thing (guess they wanted to test it, who knows) or have some kind of weird thing installed inside of you that'll make you feel fuzzy when aliens are around.

After that I woke up and had to go mow the lawn.. ugh

Seriously, wtf is up with my brain?

Oh hai

Oh hai.

Sorry I've been neglecting this blog these last few weeks. Thankfully, I've slowly began to learn to live with Phil's suicide. I've had some extremely rough patches over the last month or so, some of which were just down right terrifying, but thanks to the support I have from M as well as a few others, I've pushed past that thick wall and now just have little sheets of paper to tear through every once in a while.

Things down here have been pretty well. This past weekend was spent at Third Eye Blind on Saturday with my friend and fellow nerdfighter/team member, Jordan. It was so much fun reliving the nostalgia. I swear, 3EB and Matchbox 20 was the soundtrack to my high school years, which by the way, has been 10 years since I've graduated this past month. Insane!

While there, my friend and fellow YouTuber, Thor found me. He was with Tim The Tracker and his wife, Jenn as well as Jon. It was so much fun hanging out with them. I love my YouTube family.

Fun fact. A random nerdfighter came up to me and said my shirt was "So Jokes." It was epic and made me happy.

Sunday went by with out any real thrill till Monday. Monday I woke up, went outside to check something, looked up and oh hai pillar of smoke. There was a huge hotel fire that broke out about three miles up the road from me. It burned for nearly 48hrs and this morning on my drive into work at around 5am, I could still smell and see a little bit of smoke. 

So yeah.. that was fun.

Work is work. Fun fun. Nothing really to report there, except for my battle with my supervisor for mayorship of the trailer. He stole it from me today, but I will steal that title back.. it will be mine.. mwaha..ha..haha... yeah.

LeakyCon is two weeks away! Two weeks!! I'm nearly bouncing with excitement! I can't wait. Monday, Karen flys in while Ryan drives down and that night we're going to the HATP show. Tuesday I work, then Weds we deal with registrations (I believe) and then that night.. Open at the Close! Which I will be working.. because honestly, I can't see myself spending x amount of money to go to a park that I work for, and go to for free.. so I might as well work it, put in some hours, earn some $$ and be a part of it that way, and funny thing is: I don't want to be in controls. I want to stay out on Platform or at Greeter. haha.. I'm awkward.

But yes! If you're going to Leaky and you're going to the event, come find me and say Hi!

Aaaaaannddd... I'm out. bai

Take a sad song and make it better

It's been 4 weeks. I don't know why I'm finding myself counting these weeks. I think I'm still trying to grasp onto the fact that he's gone. It still hasn't officially hit me yet. In a few days it'll be officially a month. How did that much time go by?

I've been doing better though about getting back into my normal routine. This past weekend was fun. I went my OHPC (Orlando Harry Potter Club) club meeting and had a blast hanging out with friends. Sadly, one of our members is moving away, so it was a bittersweet meeting, but either way, it was a lot of fun. :)

Sunday was spent up in Inverness on my cousin Johnny's boat. On the drive up I felt a bit off, but I brushed it off and felt pretty good while out on the boat. It was fun and relaxing to finally be back out on the boat and out on the water again. Made me miss living out in the area and being close to water. Sad. Anyway, as soon as I got home I got smacked with either a really bad cold or a minor sinus infection. Either way, the last few days haven't been fun and so I've had to call out of work yesterday and today. I wasn't to happy with it. I hate calling out of work cause I know shit can get screwed up if staffing is lack there of.. but I can't risk going in and making myself sicker, not with how things have been recently.

LeakyCon 2011 is around the corner! I'm so excited to be seeing a good chunk of my fandom friends again. The schedule was just released and ahhh.. so excited. I'm still debating about buying a ticket to the actors panel.. I really should. Rawr.. Anywho, Deathly Hallow tickets are on sale. Already got mine, but I'll be going with all the Leaky kids. So excited about that!

I've been getting into Rift more lately. If anybody plays, let me know! I'm on the Spitescar shard and my char's name is Alsenari.

Anything else? Oh yeah, this Saturday is the one year anniversary of Wizarding World being officially open. That's fun. Crazy to think that it's been a year. It's been and still is fun. :)

rawr

Apology Dream

Last night/early this morning I had a dream where I was out on a shooting range with Phil. I had my uncle's pistols with me, especially the 1911 A1, which he loved to shoot whenever we visited my grandparents house. We walked down the hill to one of the shooting stations (it was outdoors) and as we were walking, I noticed he was sad and quiet. I reached out and took his hand and when we got to the station, I turned to him and said, "It's okay.. I'm sorry." and he said he was sorry as well, and then gave me a small smile. In the end, it was like a quiet understanding passed between us and it made me feel a bit better. Afterward I looked up the hill and saw M and she came down and we hugged each other and when I turned around, he was gone.

It was so weird, but it felt good to actually apologize, and also hear him apologize. After I woke up, I went straight to my laptop and sent M a message about my dream.

A few hours later, I get a txt saying she had a dream very similar to mine, where she was on the range with him and he apologized for what he did and so on and so forth.

I have to admit, we were both pretty impressed and found it bizarre that we both had similar dreams, but I'm really really glad we had that 'moment' in a sense to know that he's okay and that he's sorry for what happened.

I know a lot of people don't believe in these things, but a large part of me does. It's just so weird to me that she and I had a very similar dream.. there has to be something involved in that other than just weird coincidence.

3 weeks

It's the three week mark.

It's incredible to think that this much time has passed, and the pain is still fresh, though each day it's getting a bit easier. It's getting to the point where I'll have good days, and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day... a really bad day. It started okay, went to my rheumatologist and had all my joints x-rayed then afterward started driving home.

And that's when the thoughts happened.

It got so bad that I had to call my friend Dan. Thankfully he and I talked it out and I was able to calm down, but he kept with me till I was better. He had a friend who passed by taking his own life as well, so in a way, it was nice to have someone who understood everything I was feeling.

But the thoughts scared me shitless. I went to the book store and I was talking to Dan on the phone, telling him that I wanted to get something that could help. At the time all I could find were novel like books. I didn't want a novel, I told Dan, I wanted a friggin text book. Something with bullets and lists and sections and something that I can skip around and find information I need on how to handle this new territory.

Thankfully I found one. "Touched by Suicide; Hope and Healing after Loss." Sounds cheesy, but so far it's helped and made me realize that I'm not the only one whose gone through this and whose felt what I felt.

There was one part though that stuck out which is so very true:

"Compassion comes from unlikely sources. People whom you least expect may come through for you during your time of need. On the other hand, you may also know the hurt and betrayal of friends or relatives or co-workers turning away from you, unable or unwilling to deal with your grief."

And that's what's going on. Friends whom I thought would be right there by my side when I really needed them the most, have been turning away. Friends who I really needed, just not there. 

Yes, I have a few people who have been there for me, especially M, she's been wonderful. 

But it hurts to see my fear of what was happening written down on paper.

I'm honestly tempted to find one group therapy session to attend. Though a part of me finds that ridiculous. He and I barely spoke the last year, and as I said, the last time we spoke was on bitter terms... and sometimes I feel like I don't even have the right to mourn him like I am. Like... it shouldn't be taking me this long.

ugh...

the following is emo, proceed with caution

It was two weeks Tuesday. It was a bit hard, and thankfully I was able to get an early release since I didn't get any sleep.. that sucked. So I came home, slept for a good chunk of the day, played a little RIFT, slept some more and then went to a meeting at work. Afterward, while we were walking back to wardrobe, a friend of mine and I got to talking. He asked me how I was, and I told him that I was alright, considering. We spoke a bit and he let me vent a bit, which was good... and then he asked me how my local support was, to which I said. "I don't really have local support."

The reason I say that is because I don't have anybody down here that knows who Phil was, so it's one of those... I want to talk about it to my "friends", but I'm not going to unless it's brought up really...cause I mean shit.. it's a heavy subject.

In the end, I'm all alone down here with out any real support. I've been talking with Phil's girlfriend lately, and she and I have been helping each other through this, but the phone can only offer so much support...

I just want someone down here to give me a big hug, say "Hey, let's go out and get your mind off things." and I don't even really have that... Yeah, I have friends and such down here at work, but nobody ever asks me if I ever want to hang out. Nobody goes out of their way to see if they wanna hang out with me. It's always me suggesting and I'm sick of it....I'm just sick of it.

guess I should just take a fucking hint and stop trying..

ugh.. this is such an emo blog...

I'm just so upset and I'm sick and tired of being so upset and hurt and angry and scared and just lost. I don't want to accept that he's gone, I don't want to accept that he killed himself, I don't want to accept anything. I want to believe that this never happened and that everything is fine and life can just go on like normal.

but life is fucked up and plans get screwed up....

Time keeps moving..

Yesterday was a good day. Work was awesome at keeping my mind off of things and I was able to laugh and smile and just have a general good time. 

Last night Phil's gf reached out to me on Facebook. I saw her at the memorial service and we spoke a little bit. We spoke a bit through messages and later we spoke on the phone. It was actually really nice to finally really talk to her. She explained exactly what happened, which was hard to hear but I'm glad I know the truth as oppose to what the newspapers were saying. 

We swapped stories, we laughed, we cried, we cursed that he was stupid for what he did.. Nearly every single story I told her she already knew because apparently he talked a lot about me. Something that blew me away and made me feel kind of bad.. because all that time he was saying good things about me, I was saying negative things about him to Jeff.

I feel so badly for just saying all the bad things about him to Jeff.. because when this happened, he couldn't understand why I just about dropped everything to fly up to CT for the funeral in NYC.. and I don't blame him for being a bit upset about it.. I should of been more open about it and made him understand just how important Phil was in my life and how much of an impact he had on me, despite the crap that had happened.

Sigh..

Mourning

It's been a little bit over a week since Phil passed away and I'm still finding it hard to believe that he's gone. I managed to find the pictures I've hidden away of him, as well as some old hi-8's that I watched last night. Just to watch those videos of him running around and just being generally silly or being a wonderful teacher when it comes to shooting just made it so much harder to accept that he did what he did.

I was given a business card for grief counseling.. and now I'm faced with the struggle to call or not to call. A part of me thinks, "Why should I call? They'll just tell me the same thing everybody else tells me." which is the whole "It's not your fault." "There isn't anything you could of done to stop this." and regarding to me feeling completely guilty for the things that were said the last time we spoke, "He was the one that ended things before you had a chance to reconcile, he didn't give you that opportunity." and in some ways it helps but in other ways it hurts.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to mourn the way I am only because we haven't been on very good terms the last year or so...

It's been two days since I've been back to work. Yesterday was a bit rough, and today was a bit easier, but there were moments that just hit me out of nowhere and blind side me and took everything I had to not break down and cry.

Honestly, not a day has gone by where I hadn't shed a tear. I don't think I've ever mourned like this before and it scares me.

Guess I should call that number at some point...

I've barely eaten anything since 5am Thursday...something that's I know isn't good, but I've just hadn't been hungry.

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to curse, I want to punch a wall... anything... I want to yell at him for doing this, for leaving us so tragically, I want to ask him why.. why did he have to do that? Why couldn't he just stop and realize that in the end, we're the victims, in the end, we're left with no answers as to why...

damnit I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know how to handle this, I want to stop crying, I want to stop hurting...especially since I don't want Jeff to feel bad..

If he was killed in the line of action, or in a car accident, old age or cancer, it would be different...I've dealt with those kinds of deaths.. (except in the line of duty)....those leaves holes in your heart...

but this... this is a whole new ball game....

suicide tears out everything

I keep imagining what happened on that night....and no matter how hard I try to just occupy myself with something else, it just keeps popping up and it scares me and it hurts... I had a nightmare about it last night that was so bad, Craig told me I shot straight up in bed in a panic.

damnit....i need to know when this starts getting easier..

Fire and Rain

Today was Phil's funeral... There's so many things that I want to say, but I just can't put them into words right now. All I know is that I hope he knows that even though after all the crap that's happened.. he'll always have a special place in my heart.

I was listening to Sirius Radio earlier and Fire and Rain popped on.... it fits..

All my love to Phil's family, his NYPD 1st Precinct fellow officers and to his many friends. <3

One of the things this experience has taught me is to never take the ones you have for granted...cause you never know when they'll be taken from you so suddenly.. :'(

tragic

This morning was the usual routine. Wake up, shower, get dressed, grab breakfast and putter around online till it's time to go to work.

This morning that routine came to a stop when I checked my email.

It was from my ex-boyfriend, Phil's sister in law, Dasha, who wrote to me telling me that Phil passed away early Tuesday morning. I was shocked. I was scared. I had no idea how to take the news. She didn't give me any more information than that, but I quickly went to google to find out why..

...and it just hurt even more.

Philip Chlanda took his life on Tuesday, in front of his girlfriend, over the prospect her leaving him... I can't even begin to wrap my head around that... I can't begin to imagine what his girlfriend is going through right now.. I just can't..

I've known Phil for almost 10 years now. He and I dated from Sept 01 to August of 05. We were close and it was almost to the point where we were practically engaged, but sadly over time, my feelings changed and I was faced with the hard decision of breaking up with him. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Though for those nearly 4 years I've been with him, they were some of the best years of my life. Yes, he and I had our arguments, but he had a huge impact with how I am today.

Sadly, during these last few months, Phil tried to contact me. I was bitter about some of the things he had said to me in the past the last time we spoke, so I refused to talk to him.... and now.. now I'm regretting that. I wish I could take back everything... but I can't...

Phil.. I'm so sorry for everything that's happened... I hope you're in a better place now..

Taken in summer of 2005 on our trip to Stowe, VT

zomg

Today I went out and saw Thor and wow, was I taken by surprise. I suggested to go see it with Jeff since I knew he was interested and I was slightly interested, but c'mon, Marvel movies are awesome so far, I should of given them more faith. Anyway! I was pleasantly surprised. The graphics were very well done, the "rainbow road" wasn't crazy rainbowy -I know, not a word, hush-, the humor was very well placed and not over done, but all in all. I liked it. Really not going to go into a lot of detail about it, but if you haven't seen it, go see it and stay till the end of the credits.

Before the movie though, I saw the trailer for X-Men: First Class and zomg, James MacAvoy..oiii...

Here's the thing, I don't really have celebrity crushes. I feel it's a waste of time and effort and well.. can become incredibly unhealthy.

But James MacAvoy? I want his babies. Yet I have a realistic outlook of knowing that chances of meeting him are slim, and chances of getting him bed are even slimmer. So. Yep.

Yeaaah.. I dunno where else I was going with this. Thor, awesome, X-Men: First Class, can't wait.. yep.

Fail sauce

Hi, I'm Erica, I'm 28 years old and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints, tissue around the joints as well as the organs. Fun!
The last month or so I've been dealing with some chest pain. I was diagnosed with Costochondritis, which is inflammation of the chest wall. I was put on prednisone and a muscle relaxer and after a week, I was still having some issues. I called and was sent for blood work, an echocardiogram and a chest x-ray.

I got a call a few days ago, saying that the blood work came back normal and everything was fine. I was happy to hear that, but also slightly frustrated because I wanted to know what was wrong with me.

Well, apparently the nurse jumped the gun because there were still results that were pending.

Today I went in for a follow-up appointment to re-do a test that came back abnormal last November, and while there, I was told that that I had tested positive for Rheumatoid Arthritis. Needless to say, I wasn't impressed, but it does explain a lot. I've been having joint pain in my knees and elbows from time to time, but I've always just brushed it off because of past injuries that were flaring up every once in a while. Add on top of that low-grade fevers that I would have from time to time for no real reason.

It's just frustrating, because I want to be healthy, and to have just one thing added onto another.. I just really hope the test I was in for today comes back normal, because I honestly don't think I can deal with anything else.

But the good news about this is at least I have an answer of what's causing this and now I can start testing to further figure out the severity and then get on a treatment plan to prevent it from getting out of control. Cause fuck if I'm going to let this rule my life.

I feel like I'm on trial with my life in someone else's hands

I don't want to lose anything....

I feel so defenseless

?!

This morning I woke up at 4am. I'm not a fan of waking up early, but if it means being done with work at 2 then so be it. At 450 I'm out the door and on the road and there is one thing on my mind.

Coffee.

So I decide to stop at McD's. I pull up to the drive thru and wait.

"Sorry, we are currently closed and will reopen at 5."

I sit there, staring at the speaker and look at my watch. I then look at my dash. It's 510.

"It's 510..."

"Sorry, we're closed, we will open at 5."

Really?!

At this rate I'm just so fed up and cranky that I just say to hell with it and go.

Ugh....

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Fail

Yep, I failed BEDA, but honestly, I don't mind too much. At least I'm starting to get into the practice of writing in here more, so I mean, that's good for something, right?

The last two days fell by the wayside because of work. The last two days were extremely long and as soon as I got home, all I did was just crash and writing in a blog was the last thing on my mind. 

I got my new camera in the mail. It's a Toshiba Camilio S30 which is a step higher than my old s20. It's fairly nice and I'm going to try and make videos every Sunday or Monday to get into a routine. Hopefully I can work with that. Those are normally my days off, so this way I can actually put something together with out dealing with going to work or being exhausted from being at work.

Moving on..

I just woke up a few minutes ago. Had the strangest dream that I was getting a new tattoo and the ones I had were just off the wall and I had no idea why I had them. The one I remember vividly was the fact for some reason I had a swastika on the top of my shoulder and I was getting it covered by a snitch with wings falling over either side. Even in the dream I was like "Why the hell do I have this stupid little tattoo? I want it covered." It was bizarre. But the snitch tattoo did give me an idea haha..

In that same dream, which was all connected, I was staying in this apartment/studio thing and there were massive spider webs with all these tiny weird spiders and uggghh... gross. I hate dreams that have spiders in 'em.

So yep, that's that. I'm going to go eat breakfast now..

fourteen

It's 19:56 and the sun hasn't even fully said its farewell to the day, and I'm currently laying in bed, hoping sleep finds me soon. Tomorrow starts the 4am wake up calls and the 6:15 clock ins. God only knows why we have to be there so early, but who am I to argue. It's hell, honestly, waking up that early, but at the same time, I prefer opening and being out early in the afternoon so I can have the rest of the day to myself. Even though I love sleeping in, I'm not a fan of wasting around the house all day, waiting for my shift to start.

Guess you have to take the bad with the good and vice versa.

My fun little medical deal is slowly starting to get better. The pressure isn't as bad anymore and I'm only getting small pangs every once in a while. I just can't wait till I can be off the medication so I can go back to full rotation. Cause this standing out in greeter all day in the sun is getting slightly old.

Deathly Hallows pt 1 comes out on dvd tomorrow. Pending on what time I get out of work, I'll most likely run to the nearest Best Buy and pick up a copy. Excited. Can't believe Part 2 is only a few short months away.

alright, I think the medication is starting to kick in and I'm getting sleepy.. nighters :)

Coming up with subjects sucks

Today I spent all day at greeter.. fail. I can't wait till I can be back on platform again. It's so frustrating to be so limited with what I can do. Rawr... Hopefully next week I'll be back in the swing of things, providing the meds do what they're supposed to. So far it seems to be working. The pain isn't as bad as it has been and pressure is somewhat releasing. So that's good. But at the end of the day, I'm completely drained and I have pangs.. I think it's because of all the standing around, the extra talking and the sun that just drains me.

Oh well.

Earlier tonight an old professor of mine, Kelly, called me up on Skype to talk with her class about YouTube being used in Social Media. I tried my best to try and talk about YouTube from how I see it, and I hope I got my point across, though looking back I wish I had said some other things or left some things out. Sometimes I have a tendency to ramble and I think I ended up doing that a bit. Sigh. Nerves. Either way it was a lot of fun and I miss my days back at Nescom. It was some of the best years of my life and I'm so glad I found a school like that.

To Kelly's class who may be reading this, there are a few other points I want to make about YouTube.

Yes, there are people who make YouTube as a full time career, but don't go in thinking that's what you want to do. Make videos because you enjoy making videos. Don't go in for the fame, don't go in for the money, go in for fun. Over time, people will find you and people will subscribe and you'll gain a small following. It won't happen over night, so don't be upset if only 10 people watch your videos. I have 750+ subs, but I'm lucky if I reach 200 views on my videos. But some of that is my fault since I don't post on a daily schedule. Which brings me to another thing: Post on a daily schedule. The more you post, the more people will remember who you are and will be more likely to watch you over and over. This is something that I'm going to do more often.  My goal is to post every Sunday and then go on from there.

Also: Be respectful to your subscribers. Take the time to thank them for subbing to you, take the time to reply to their comments. Start a discussion. Get involved in other channels. Reply to other videos, favorite them, and try to find channels that are around the same subscriber that you're at and make friends with them. This way you can help each other grow.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me and I will try my best to answer. I'm not a pro with YouTube, but it's a community that I'm very fond of. :) <3

Oi

About twenty minutes after posting yesterday's blog, I called out of work. It was too much and I needed a change in medication and I wasn't about to go into work feeling like how I was. It worked out anyway, since it was just an extra day I had picked up and they ended up having a ton of extra's, so it wasn't like they were hurting (and neither was I for hours and such).

So as soon as I finally woke up, I called them first thing in the morning and went in around noon. The drive itself was frustrating since even the seatbelt was uncomfortable. I would of removed it, but having my mother at a very very young age tell me that I always had to wear a seatbelt kind of stuck with me. Plus, I didn't want to get pulled over and given a ticket for an obscene amount of money.. and well, the whole saving a life thing just in case of an accident is always a plus.

Either way, got to the doctors and explained about the jaw pain I got from Celebrex and just how in general it made me feel lousy. He was confused about the jaw pain and said he'd look it up, but I got bored and looked up earlier and found it was a rare side effect. Hooray for being a rare side effect! In the end, he changed my medication to Prednisone, twice a day for five days, and hopefully that'll help with the addition of the muscle relaxers that I already have.

Which by the way, I can only take at home since they make me want to nap like nobody's business. So that means at work I have no way of actually dealing with the pain. The steroid pill only does so much.

Rawr..

Moving on.

A professor of mine back at Nescom messaged me on Twitter and told me she was going to be showing my YouTube page to her class! I know she's done it before in the past, but I think it's pretty awesome how she uses my channel as an example for social media. I love it, but there are times I have to wonder exactly what videos she's showing.. haha. Hopefully only the good ones!

Another thing: My friend, Michael Aranda, is stuck in Paris, France. He went to the UK on a visa worth six months, when he originally asked for six weeks. They took a trip to Paris about a week or so ago, and he was denied re-entry, saying his passport was only for six weeks, and not the six months that was stated on his passport. He was told that he would be allowed re-entry as long as he got a return ticket back to the States. After getting his ticket, he was again denied, saying he posed a risk to the UK since he was denied in the first place.

It's ridiculous and if you could just take a minute of your time to sign this petition to help prove to the UK that Michael poses no threat, that would be amazing.

Thanks :)

4am

I woke up this morning at 2am because of extreme discomfort/pain in my chest...of course, I refused to go to the ER at this time, so I took some advil (since all Celebrex does is make me feel like shit and make my jaw hurt) and tried to fall back to sleep. Managed to get about an hour and a half in, but most of it was in that stage where you're asleep, but still somewhat awake. Now I have to call out of work and go into my doctors office first thing.

This is so frustrating. I want this to stop. I don't want this to effect my work anymore like it already is. Chances are when I go in they're going to order a chest xray, something I want done anyway to rule out any possible hernias.

This is so full of fail. The meds aren't doing anything, all they're doing is masking the pain just so it can come back later..

Make it stop :(

COMC, Camera update

Last week I sent my Toshiba Camilo flipcam in due to a defect so I can get a new one. I was told that with in 48hours of receiving that package, they would send me a coupon code via email so I can get a new one. It's now Sunday, and I have yet to get the email. I called today and after getting all my info, the man said that their records are showing that they are still waiting for the package. I laughed (passive aggressively.. cause yeah) and after checking UPS, told them that the package was delivered and was signed for and "left at dock."

The guy then went on and told me to check my e-mail's spam box to see if the code was there. I'm sorry, but what makes you think that I would have the code if your records are saying you might not even HAVE it?! Even so, I already have been checking my spam to make sure it didn't slip in there periodically, so that was a no go and I told him so.

All in all, he said he had to escalate this to another department, so I had to leave a message with that department and now it's back to waiting. So friggin lame. I'm going to give them a what for when they call back.. ugh..

Next up: Care of Magical Creatures.

My friend Justin (YouTube Channel Here) is organizing a program called Care of Magical Creatures where he ships off stuffed animals to a number of people who then ship them to other people and so on and so forth. Each time someone gets the creature, they will donate $5 or more to the fundraiser and then make a video or take pics with it and put it up as part of that creature's adventure. This entire project is to help raise money/awareness for the Harry Potter Alliance and I'm so excited to be taking part in it.

I uploaded a new video today. I have some more motivation now to make weekly videos. I have a feeling that I'm going to try and make them every Sunday from now on since that's a day where I don't really have much to do. I think if I start off like that, I can start adding onto that schedule. It'll just be easier when I get my camera back.. grrr

So here's my new video:

You rock, kthxbai <3

Lifehouse!

After being a fan of theirs for nearly 10 years, I finally saw Lifehouse in concert!

It was EPIC!!!

Today was a somewhat decent day. Ended up rescuing out to Revenge of The Mummy. It was fun and a nice change of pace. Toward the end of my shift I noticed my meds were wearing off, so I was having some mild pain issues but nothing to be majorly concerned with.

Oi.. nothing much to write, so keeping this short.

But yeah, Lifehouse.. ZOMGAMAZINGITWASAWESOMEEPICYAY! :-d

Costochandritis

So I finally have a name for my chest pain. It's nothing very major, but it can mimic symptoms of a heart attack. That's always fun!

Anyway, woke up this morning with pain, so called the doctors and went in. They did an EKG and such and found that my heart was doing pretty good, but when he pushed on my chest wall, needless to say I was nearly in tears.

So I was given Celebrex and a muscle relaxer (to take when needed), so hopefully that helps things. I was told if the symptoms get worse or persist after two days, that I have to go to the ER. Fail.. ugh

Health Fail - seven?

I've always considered myself pretty healthy. I eat healthy, for the most part, and I'm pretty active with exercise, but as I mentioned in a post a while back, ever since August, things just went down hill, and it's really frustrating. A part of me kind of views doctors as car mechanics. You go in for one thing, and you come out with a long list of things that are wrong that need to get fixed. Which means more $$. Thank god I have health insurance.

Back in August I was rushed to the hospital from work for chest pains. Found out my cholesterol was in rough shape and had been going back every 6 weeks for blood work while changing my diet and adding omega-3 twice a day as well as Niacin once a day in the evening. Thankfully, that helped and got my levels down to where I don't have to worry about getting blood work done for another few months.

November, I found out that I might be developing cervical cancer (the cells were in that very first stage). I'll find out more in about a month or so when I go back for further testing. I'm honestly not that worried about that, to be honest since the cells could fix themselves, but either way.

Then thanks to wardrobe, I broke out in a rash that had been around for over a month. We're calling the rash Dragon Scales at work since I'm not the only one whose breaking out. Thankfully, they're looking into it, but because of this, I had to go see a dermatologist which in turn found a mole she wants me to keep an eye on. Fail.

Then now, for the past 24-48hours, I've been experiencing tightness with pain mixed in in the center of my chest. I'm not impressed. I've been kind of dealing with it just by relaxing when I can and taking it easy, but even while sitting it hurts a bit.. to the point where I honestly just had to go braless (yeah, tmi, but whatever).

Honestly, I'm just fed up and want to be healthy. Can't I just have that plskthx?

Rawr face

uggh

Worked 10.5 hours today.. got home around 8:15pm in time to make a quick dinner and then go to bed at 9 to wake up at 5am for work tomorrow. ugh..

Atleast I get to sleep in on Friday.

Saturday is the Lifehouse concert, which  hopefully if all goes well, I'll be able to go. I'm excited.

I've got nothin else to say....

*flops over*

four (but really day five, which = fail)

Go me. I failed BEDA by missing yesterday... oops.

Yesterday I was at the park with a friend from school whom I haven't seen in about 10 years. It's pretty weird to think that it's been ten years since I've been out of high school.. I feel old.

Had to go to a dermatologist today since I've had a rash for well over a month now that could be thanks to wardrobe at work. Got me some meds and such for it and we'll see how that goes in two weeks.

Nothing really to report, except for some awesome news that I will announce at some point, just not now.

And yeah..

ugh..

three

I'm not a fan of closing shifts, mostly because they feel a lot longer than opening and also I'm not a fan of waiting around till I have to go to work, as said in previous post. But last night was actually a decent shift. Because of something I did to my leg, I'm on light duty for two weeks which means I can't be on platform, so I'm stuck at Greeter, Express etcetc.. yeah. ugh.

Anyway, so last night, an hour before we closed I met this awesome family, a little girl named Isabella and her sister, mother and father. They had just got into the land and Dragon's was their first ride. Isabelle didn't meet the height requirement and she was happy about it! I actually prefer it that way cause I always feel bad when they start crying. Anyway, the mother and sister went on the ride as the dad and Bella stayed behind. We chatted a bit and I noticed she was holding two large minions. We got to talking about how she got them, etc and I asked if she named them yet and she said no. That's when I asked her name, which is an awesome name, and then asked if she had a nick name. I told them my nick name and the dad is like "How about we name one of the Eeks? And Eeks can then live on forever?" And the girl was so happy and nodded and seriously, that made my night. I was flattered. So after that I escorted them up to Journey and had them put through the express and then had them go on Hippo. Bella was so excited and happy for what I was doing for her family and her that she gave me this huge hug and yeah..

That's what makes me remember how awesome my job really is.

two

Mornin everybody.

So last night when I went to bed (which was around 10ish give or take.. yeah I'm an old lady) the neighbor's kids were playing in their pool.

I wake up this morning to hear they are in the pool and the question arises.. Did they ever leave?! A part of me is a bit jealous that they are swimming, only because they must have a water heater for their pool. We have a heater for ours, but it would cost way too much to run it, so we don't and let it warm up naturally, which means our pool isn't ready till about mid-may.

It's a gorgeous morning out, and I have to work later this afternoon. Honestly, not a fan of closing shifts, because I hate sitting around on really nice days waiting to go to work. I prefer just waking up before the sun rises, go to work, come home and enjoy the rest of my day. Oi..

BEDA!

So begins a month of blogging, something I think I'll be able to handle as oppose to the vlogging every day, though I might bring back AugustEeks.. who knows. Anyway, my blogs btw are going to be random, they're not going to be perfect and I bet you they'll change thought half way through. It's just how I roll. Yep.

Today was a bit meh.I swear, after August, everything just started to go down hill. I'm about ready to just say f it.. Anyway. I either pulled something or tore something in the upper part of my left leg, and when I walk a lot, it hurts, so because of that I'm on light duty for the next two weeks, which honestly sucks cause light duty means no platform..but at the same time I'm still walking around and standing around at Greeter or express.. ugh. Whatever. So now I'm just chillin here, watching House Hunters International with a heating pad under my leg. God bless the person who invented that.

I have an appointment for a dermatologist to check out a rash that developed because of the clothes at work. That's fun..

Lesseeeee... what else....

I made home made mac and cheese today, and now my stomach hates me for it.. oh well. It was good! So it'll have to deal. Rawr...

yeah.. I'm done.

Ha! This is such a great way to start BEDA! woooooooooooooo

Oh hai

Way back in 2003, a friend of mine gave me a code to join LiveJournal, back when it was an invite only site. That site opened up so many doors for me and was a release. I ranted, I praised, I wrote about completely random and silly things.. it was my outlet and one that I used practically religiously up until about December 2009 when I just stopped. I don't know what caused me to stop writing, it was like the urge to just write just left me... and it's an urge that I would like to have back.

I'm going to say this now, I'm not going to censor myself. I believe that was one of the fears I had when I started this blog and why I haven't posted very much, but ya know what.. oh well. I'm just going to let it out, like I used to and take it as is.

So this past weekend, was Playlist Live as I said in my last post. It was an incredibly fun weekend, with a few hiccups along the way which I could of done with out. I like having fun, and I like not worrying about how other people are. Call it selfish, but I'm not a fan of feeling like I have this cloud over my head of worrying about how someone is when I'm trying to have fun. In the end though, it basically worked itself out, but there's still that slight bitter taste that was left over.

Moving on, I met a lot of awesome people while there, one being Corey Vidal who was the one person I really wanted to meet. The kid rocks and his videos are epic. Yes, I have to admit, I may have inwardly fan girled a bit, but I believe I did a decent job in keeping my cool.

Mr. Vidal and I

After running around a little bit, a bunch of us went and watched Mike Lombardo play. It was the first time I ever saw him live in concert, and damn does that kid have talent and when he played "You Should Know." Yeah... I teared up.

Go go, Mike

Then there was the random show that Alex, Jason and Jimmy threw on outside in the courtyard which was extremely fun. It was pretty cool to just sit down outside and enjoy the music. Very relaxing. I believe after that we went to the pool which was pretty fun (and slightly awkward...some eyes know what I'm talking about). The pool was flat out beautiful and sadly I don't really have a pic right now since I didn't want to bring my camera down for fear of it getting stolen or what not. Either way, the pool had a slide and yes, my friend Jill and I acted like little kids and went on the slide. So much fun! I ended up accidentally kneeing a kid in the back when I entered the pool, but it was partially his fault since he wasn't moving away from the drop zone fast enough... silly kid.

Then I met up with Craig for a bit, who remembered me from Alan's house, plus other random people while a few of my friends went to the partner meeting. :-d

Craig and I

Oh hai, Dave Days

Can I just say that meeting Joe (MysteryGuitarMan) rocked?

Insert random things happening here before heading off to watch Driftless Pony Club. Holy crap. They rocked. Seriously. The sound was amazing, they were amazing, I have never heard such a perfect concert in my life. It was just... wow. It blew me away. As well as my ear drums since I was next to the speaker... *rubs ear*

Borrowing Travis' camera since mine was dead :(

After DPC, we ran and grabbed some food at the food court and got myself a hot dog and paid nearly 7 bucks for it. 7 bucks! But I have to say, that hot dog was the size of a Star Destroyer, no joke. I was practically full with one bite. Wish I had picture of that, but there's video, so just wait till I actually get that taken care of..

Saturday night was a mixture of fun and well, ugh. As already discussed in a previous post, there was a VIP party that nearly lasted all night. I was pretty miffed and felt extremely left out, which doesn't help since I have a hard enough time fitting into certain social settings as is. Oh well. 

Back tracking just a bit though, Lizzie and I finally had a chance to jam together outside in the small courtyard where the "surprise" show occurred. It was pretty fun, but at the same time, I wasn't my best and a part of me was a little miffed that people were talking when I was playing, yet when Lizzie played, everybody paid attention. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother playing guitar and sing in the first place since my talent is so so. Aw well. Either way, it was fun. Craig came over with some shirts, which he handed out to us which was pretty awesome and Dennis, a fan of mine, came out to watch. He was shy and didn't introduce himself till Sunday, which I thought was sweet.

Afterward we went up to Raquel and Lizzie's room and hung out and was later joined by Alex, Jason and Jimmy and then followed by Corey. 

A very blurry pic of Alex and I

Needless to say, I didn't go to bed till about 5am and ended up waking up at 7. Playlist started late, and I have a feeling it was because of all the partying from the night before, which I don't blame them for. The day was pretty low key and not as fast paced as it was on Saturday. I spent the day mostly running around and saying hi and introducing myself to random people, plus I got recognized a few times, which was pretty humbling and fun. Dennis, a gentleman who follows me on twitter and youtube, whom I mentioned earlier, came over and introduced himself to me. It was so sweet and I was incredibly flattered at how shy he was to say Hi to me. I told him that I'd like to think I'm a very approachable person, and next time not to be scared to say Hi. So he took a picture with me and we went on our way.

All Caps finished off the weekend with their show and around 7:30 or so, we made our way back to the house where Travis slept for nearly 13 hours and I didn't go to bed till about midnight.

Monday was the day everybody went home. Travis and I went and picked up Karen from the hotel and drove her to the airport and came home, and a few hours later and after some confusion about his flight, I drove Travis to the airport. 

It was sad to see everybody go home, but at the same time, it was a small weight off my shoulders. I love being around people and I love hosting guests, but at the same time, after a while I get a little over whelmed and having some me time again was nice. 

Tomorrow is the start of April and I'm thinking about doing BEDA. I'll be with out a camera for a few weeks since there's a defect that needs to be sent back for, so VEDA is out of the question, though I am tempted to do August Eeks again.. but we'll see since that was incredibly stressful.

Yep.. 

Playlist Live

The days are blurred, I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep, and the epic times have yet to finish. Playlist Live so far has turned into one of the greatest weekends of my life, and I've only experienced the first day of the two day convention.

It all started out with waking up at 6am so everybody who was staying at my house could be ready on time and at 7:30, made our way over to the hotel which is only about 10 minutes +/- away from me. We checked into our amazing room and then checked into the convention. I have to say, a lot of is was incredibly surreal and when 10am hit, it was gogogo non-stop awesome. I had a chance to meet up with some incredible youtubers, and even make some friends along the way, which is exciting. 

My only issue with Playlist so far is the VIP party that they held. I have a VIP pass and a skip the line bracelet, yet in order to get into the party, you had to be invited and have a wrist band, when there was a sign that said "VIP Party". Very misleading. I wasn't very impressed with that, since the dance party they had for everybody else only lasted about an hour, if that and the VIP party lasted into god knows what time. I was disappointed, because here I thought Playlist was going to level the playing field and make everybody feel equal and welcome, and then they go and hold a party with extra quirks that the little guy can't attend and is made to feel left out.

Wow, after re-reading that, it sounds like I'm being a jealous child who can't go to little Johnny's party down the street, yet at the same time, I paid extra to have a VIP pass, yet the only thing it does is jump lines..I was kind of expecting a little more out of that. I'm sorry, but I'm friends with nearly half of the youtubers here, so going to the meetups and either waiting in line or using my pass to jump it is pretty worthless. 

At some point there will be video of this entire weekend... so far I believe I've taken over 10gigs worth of video/pictures.. yeah.. That new camera is getting a work out.

Alright, thoughts are getting scattered and Day 2 is upon us. Oi...

Playlist Live!!!!

Due to lack of the mulah, I am sadly not going to be able to make it to VidCon. But! There is good news. PlayList Live!! A two day event on March 26th and 27th that is a large YouTube Gathering/Concert/Meet Up and just an all together awesome hang out. I'm super excited to be going and was just able to purchase my tickets today, thanks to the help of Kristina Horner who tweeted out a discount code for $20 off. Seriously, that helped so much so yay!

Oh, and I made a video.. and you can guess what about.

Fears

There have been only a few people that I've talked to about this, because at the time I didn't really want to be open about it, but lately since other things have been cropping up, my hopes that previous test results were just some random fluke and things would work out are starting to drift away.

Over the last few months, I've been dealing with a few health issues. Some of them are minor, like cholesterol (which is finally under control) and minor chest wall inflammation that acts from from time to time, to something that down right scares me. The possibility of cervical cancer.

A large part of me is still holding out on hope, praying that everything will turn out fine and that I'll live a healthy life, but I'm getting sick of things going wrong. I just want to be healthy. I'm tired of going to the doctors, I'm tired of having blood drawn, I'm just tired of it. I don't want this possibility to be a reality. What if something goes wrong and I can't have kids? That scares the living crap out of me and I really don't know how I would handle that kind of information. To be honest, it would most likely just devastate me.

I'm getting further testing done in March, since right now there's a possibility of cells going back to normal. The last test showed they were in the first stage of deformity and the doc said that it could go either way. So hopefully the second test will be better.. but lately, I'm not so sure, and I'm getting scared.

oi..

Dreams

I had a dream the other night that my two bottom front teeth were incredibly loose and were falling/rotting out, and it's not the first time I've had dreams like this, and what bothers me is that they're the ones that stick out the most. The reason? Because in my dream I can feel how loose my teeth are and it's almost to the point where I seriously think it's real and it's disturbing.

I looked up what this could mean and got this link:
http://www.dreammoods.com/cgibin/teethdreams.pl?method=exact&header=dreamid&search=teethintro

"Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth symbolize power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream may be an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you have to say"

Which makes sense. I've been having a few issues at work with feeling like I'm not being heard, even though I'm taking the steps needed to be heard. And relationship wise, that's another story.

Have any of you had any of these types of dreams? If so, lemme know.

Huzzah

I'm so proud of myself, cause I actually sat down and made a small video. It's nothin special, but still, it's been a long time since I've actually vlogged and I really do need to get back into the habit of doing it. I miss being active in the YouTube community :(

Anywho, good news! My cholesterol is finally improving! Huzzah! It's been so annoying trying to get that down and I've had to make a few changes in my diet, mostly switching to drinking soy milk and such, which isn't that bad once you get used to it.. the chocolate kind is very yummy!

So yep, that's that. Video time.

Bus bus bus..

I have a blogger app on my phone that I'm trying out. Currently on the shuttle to the trailer. I'm hoping today is a good day cause I have way to much crap on my mind. Oiiii... Funks suck. Oh and hopefully i'll have a new video out this week! Hopefully

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