I've barely eaten anything since 5am Thursday...something that's I know isn't good, but I've just hadn't been hungry.

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to curse, I want to punch a wall... anything... I want to yell at him for doing this, for leaving us so tragically, I want to ask him why.. why did he have to do that? Why couldn't he just stop and realize that in the end, we're the victims, in the end, we're left with no answers as to why...

damnit I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know how to handle this, I want to stop crying, I want to stop hurting...especially since I don't want Jeff to feel bad..

If he was killed in the line of action, or in a car accident, old age or cancer, it would be different...I've dealt with those kinds of deaths.. (except in the line of duty)....those leaves holes in your heart...

but this... this is a whole new ball game....

suicide tears out everything

I keep imagining what happened on that night....and no matter how hard I try to just occupy myself with something else, it just keeps popping up and it scares me and it hurts... I had a nightmare about it last night that was so bad, Craig told me I shot straight up in bed in a panic.

damnit....i need to know when this starts getting easier..