Chester

I have been a Linkin Park fan ever since their first album, Hybrid Theory was released in 2000. Their music has been a huge part of my life, especially in the early 2000's.

I have always suffered from depression. It started to show itself in middle school and grew into high school. I was never accepted into any one group, I never really trusted anybody, friendships came and went. I was tormented and my self-esteem was shit, and my grades reflected that. There were times in my junior/senior year where I seriously considered killing myself. I even hid a knife in my room under my mattress and would curl up under my desk, holding it against my wrist, but never finding the courage to ever really cut. Instead, my anxiety would show with my continuously scratching my wrist with my thumb nail till the skin was raw. I was easily able to hid it with a watch.

I've showed the signs of wanting help. I've spoken with my school's guidance counselor, who has expressed concern to my parents. My mother refused to accept I was most likely clinically depressed, and instead of having me see a professional, had me see a priest, and even our town's youth counselor. Both of which, were not really qualified to deal with what I was going through. I continued to show signs of needing help. I acted out. I punched walls when I got angry (I've had to get x-rays twice on my hand). I even had to be sent home from school to get x-rays when I punched a cabinet multiple times out of frustration.

Yet did my parents have me see a professional? No.

I kept thinking once I was out of high school, I could finally maybe begin a new life. Fresh start. I was good for a while, away from some of the stresses high school had caused. It was around that time I started to hear about Linkin Park. Chester's anger and raging lyrics rang through my soul and I found I wasn't the only one who felt like this. I knew other people were struggling like me. The music was an outlet for me, and I clung to it like a life saver.

Whenever I was having a rough day, I'd blast one of their tracks.

After nearly 20 years of battling my demons, I had finally accepted help a few years back and am now on medication routine which helps keep the weight of the black cloud from getting too heavy.

And through this entire time, Chester and Linkin Park was there, with a song to help me a long.

Then yesterday I heard he had committed suicide.

I knew he was suffering with depression worse than me, including drugs and alcohol, yet I didn't want to believe someone who was so open about his condition, who used his music as a form of therapy, died.

I was devastated.

And that scared me.

I've been hearing lately of depression claiming more lives. Most of which of people who were open, and supportive, and were getting help...

But I feel that sometimes, help can only go so far and there's just a point where depression wins.

And I'm terrified.

What if depression claims me? I have no thoughts or plans of suicide. Emma and Paul and my family is what keeps me going. I've seen the effects first of hand of what suicide can do to people because of my ex-boyfriend who shot himself. The unanswered the questions, the anger, the never knowing why.. It's torture.

I could never put my family through that.

Yet what is scary, is I'm sure Chester thought the same thing. He has 6 children. 6 kids who will wonder why their dad just "gave up." 6 kids whose lives are now forever changed. A wife who is now widowed. Friends and family who are left to pick up the pieces and try and make sense of why this happened.

What if that happens to me? What if my illness continues and it kills me?

I've been listening to Linkin Park's, One More Light album. I was so excited to know they were releasing another album. I wasn't really too much of a fan at first. The sound of the album was something I wasn't used to when it came to Linkin Park. It was a bit more subdued and ballad like; however, the more I listened to the lyrics, I fell in love.

And now, I'm really hearing the lyrics of Chester's music in a whole new light.

I feel like this album was his goodbye. I feel like deep down, he knew depression was going to wrap it's hands around him and drag him down against his will.

God, I hope I'm wrong with that.

But this album has such a deeper meaning to me now.

Heavy describes perfectly how it is inside someone's head who is living with depression.

One More Light feels like a cry of help..

Battle Symphony describes the strength it can take to take on each day..

I can only hope people can learn from this and reach out to get help. I hope it's a wake up call to those who need help. I hope people who listen to these songs can pick up on the signs someone maybe feeling and reach out and get them help.

"If my armor breaks, I'll fuse it back together."

I'm going to keep going. I'm going to wake up every day and battle it. Daring it. There will be days where I can keep my sword in it's sheath at my side, and there will days where I will have to draw it out.

I'm going to continue taking my medication. I'm going to continue to speak with my therapist. I'm going to be seeking an actual Psychologist to make sure my medication regiment is on point.

I'm going to play my Battle Symphony.

If you, or someone you know needs help, please, speak up. Visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
or call 1-800-273-8255.

If you need immediate help, Please, Call 911.

Love you.

39 Weeks

As of Sunday I am now 39 weeks pregnant. The end is near! I seriously can not wait till I can hold my little peanut in my arms. Though I can't help but feel a bit frustrated..

Two weeks ago they said I was 50% effaced, 1cm dilated and -2 station. Well.. two weeks later and I'm pretty much just chillin at the same mile marker. Words could not even begin to explain how bummed I was. I went in, hoping I have made some progress and getting word that I may go into labor any day, but nope.. Then I was told by my doctor that my amniotic levels were at an 8 and low is at a 5, so I was in the "normal, yet low" range. Which pretty much means that next week, I get to have another ultrasound done to check the fluid levels and if they dipped, they're going to have to induce.

Either way, my doctor isn't comfortable with me going past 40 weeks.

And granted, neither am I.

But I'm stuck on the damn fence.

I have a birth plan, and that plan is to attempt to go for a natural child birth. I would prefer my body to go into labor naturally. I want to experience that feeling of "Omg! This is it!" and I would like to stay away from drugs like pitocin and an epidural. Having a child is a right of passage and I want to try and experience that moment as much as possible and see exactly how it feels. But the possible chance of an induction could hinder all of that, and I'm torn. Torn because I want my body to do things naturally, but at the same time, I'm tired of being pregnant, and I just want to hold my little girl. If I can try and go natural, I will, but I can't argue with the doc if my fluids are low, putting Emma at risk.

I think all together I'm just disappointed, but also trying my best to look at the positive, which is with in the next week, my daughter will be here, safe and sound.

I'm just going to pray that my body kicks into gear this week and does things how I want it to.

oh and ps, the next person who is like "Have you had that baby yet?!" I'm going to punch in the damn face.

Raaaaageee or whatever

No idea.

I seriously must of fucked something up in my shoulder/back cause the last week or so has been nothing but painful. I saw a doctor about it and she put me on three kinds of meds. Muscle relaxers (which I told her didn't really help.. nice to know she listened) a steroid pack, and Tramadol which is a pain med, which also doesn't really help much.

I have a physical therapy appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully we will figure out what the deal is and go from there. Till then I'm going to try and find my sling or just go out and get a new one. Moving my arm around too much hurts :(

It's annoying to be broken all the time, especially when it comes to work. I'm sick and tired, as well as embarrassed and ashamed to have to go to a lead and ask to be put into a different rotation or to freeze in a certain spot because of how I'm feeling. I stuck it out for the most part yesterday with loading. Thankfully it wasn't that busy, so I didn't have to get in a lot, but regardless, after that when I got home I paid the price. Today I asked if I could be put into an easier rotation that didn't have load. I was at Unload, and that was fine, but my back/shoulder still hurt.. it was to the point where I nearly broke down and in the end, asked if I could go home. That fucking sucks. I hate having to do that, but I know in the end if I don't take care of myself, i'll just get myself into more trouble and won't be able to work at all.

Tomorrow is my 6 year anniversary with Jeff. Crazy.. can't believe it's been that long. I'm a lucky girl to have him in my life.

We're also going to the HHN Wrap Party. Not sure exactly how long I'm going to stay there for. Long enough to take the cast photo, that's for sure, but after that will most likely bail. We'll see. I'm really not much of a club party girl.. ha

10 days and counting till I'm 30. My friend Jon from work actually put together a Walker Reunion/Birthday party for me at the Ale House which is basically the team member stomping ground. I thought that was incredibly sweet :) I'm looking forward to that.

Yep... Can I stop being broken pls? kthx

Rawrgurglegasphack

That's zombie speak for hi.

Over the last 6 weeks I have had the privilege to be a walker for The Walking Dead house for Halloween Horror Nights 22. It was such a wonderful experience and despite the drunks and violent guests, all together it was a lot of fun.

Now I'm back to reality and I feel slightly lost. Like right now I'm supposed to be on set, but I'm sitting in bed... Waiting for sleep.. Sigh.

I don't really have a lot to say about hhn, mostly because I can't really say too much, but in the end, would do it again in a heart beat.

Though getting back to a normal sleeping pattern will be nice.

In health news, apparently my new RA doc told me that I tested negative on the more in depth test for RA. There are two tests apparently, one that says yes you have high chance of RA and another thats Like yep, RA is so there. Its fucked up. I'm not sure how to handle this news when my last doc told me for well over a year that I was positive. I knew my last doc was sketchy, and that's why I left him, but to sit there and lie to my face and treat me for something I don't fully have.. Ugh. I'm planning on calling that doc and asking them what their test results said and compare. Something just doesn't seem right.

I saw my other doc for my Kickuhi Disease the other day. My mother ship lymph node is starting to go back to normal, which is great and he said that it seems to be starting to go into remission. Hoping that's the case. On a whole I've been feeling more like myself, so hooray, though granted I ended up hurting myself Lawl... If its not one thing..

A few months back, in August, I went to a friends wedding. We went rock wall climbing and apparently I pulled a muscle in my back right shoulder/back. Since then its been bothering me and tonight I moved the wrong way and ugh the pain.. It hurt so bad that I had to take one of m left over oxycodone from my surgery and that's not even putting a dent into the pain. Jeff put some Bengay on it for me as well... I haven't been to a doc about it.. But after tonight I really should go in on Monday :( fail sauce.

I am a doctors best customer and an insurance company's worst nightmare.

Oh and I also sprained/fractured my toe next to my big toe a month or so ago. So that's all tapped up.

It's funny, I will go to the docs when it comes to feeling cruddy but for toes and possible tearing of muscles I just sit on it and think it will get better on its own. Fail ha

I turn 30 in a few weeks... Not sure exactly how I feel about that. I have friends down here, but...not ones that would go out of their way to plan a party for me. I've never had that. I know it sounds selfish and lame and I want my 30th bday to be special.. But in reality, it's just going to be another day spent at work. Yeah, Jeff and I are going to Tampa the weekend before, going to go to Busch gardens and the aquarium and that's awesome and I'm incredibly happy we're doing that, but I just wish I was back home where planning a party is easier..  Like, earlier today I over heard a co worker saying they are planning a surprise birthday party for another co worker and I couldn't help but feel jealous cause none of my friends down here would do that for me :( Ugh I'm such a whiny brat right now. I blame the meds... And my stupid brain.

K this is getting dumb, I'm gonna stop writing now

Taped Together

I feel like I'm barely being held together and honestly it's a miracle that I haven't done anything harsh yet. My daughter, Faith, would of been due this week. July 5th to be exact had things gone differently and she had fully develeoped. Hell, I don't even know if she was even going to be a girl, but deep down I had a feelin she would of been. These last two days I have noticed that I took a pretty sharp dip in my mental state. I've been clinically depressed before and Im scared to death to be put back on mediacation, mostly because those are the reasons why Faith never fully developed and miscarried. I'm trying to do things to distract myself, play music, play games, hung out with some friends, there were a few times where even work distracted me enough, but something about today at work just didn't fit and there were several occasions where I nearly broke down on the turn table. In the end after having a difficult situation with someone I ended up just breaking down in the lead office. Thankfully they were able to let me go home early, but it's embarrassing. I'm not gonna lie right now, I'm slightly drunk right now and honestly wish I was more so, but I know that is just self harm and it's something that I can't do, nor do I want to do..... but at the same time there are days where I keep asking myself just how much more I can take before I just break apart and become unfixable....

Good news and weird news..

Good news! I don't have cancer, but I do have something called Kikuchi Disease. It's a rare disease normally found in Japan. Weird right? From the sounds of it and the little info I was able to find on it, it won't kill me. Which is a good thing, but it will, and already has, caused me problems. I'm prone to having fevers atleast a few times a week now, my energy is just lack there of and I normally just have a feeling of cruddy..I just want to start feeling better. I have an appointment next Monday with a doc that will hopefully help figure this out and put me on meds that will help me feel more like myself. Ugh.... I hate feeling like crap.

What if?

Lately I've been noticing that I've been having those 'good days' and 'bad days' when it comes to my health, both physical, as well as mental. There are days where I have energy, I'm chipper, happy.. but then I've been having days where my thoughts go back to what my life has been like for the past year. Between being diagnosed with RA, my ex-fiance committing suicide, to depression and being put on medication, to a miscarriage, to the serious threat of cancer, it's been a challenge to say the least.

Though I keep telling myself, "This is only for now, all this is just a tiny portion of my life compared to the rest of it and it'll pass."

But sometimes it's just really hard to convince myself that.

I'm getting the results of my biopsy back tomorrow and I'm scared. A part of me is like "Nope, no cancer, I'm fine, this is just a fluke." But I can't help but be scared that there's that real danger that I may have Lymphoma. And if I do, what do I do? How can I afford to miss work? How the hell will I pay for all my medical bills and that's just the frivolous stuff. How am I going to live? Will the medication I'm put on ruin whatever chances I have of ever having children in the future? Will I survive this? Or will cancer just completely take over my body and just kill me over time.

I can't stand the thought of cancer killing me, to have something take over my body and just render me useless till I'm just laying in bed, waiting to be released.

I have a really bad habit of always thinking of the worst case scenario and Jeff always tells me to stop because it does nothing but stress me out.. but I guess the reason why I always think of worst case scenarios is because that way, in some small form, I'm preparing myself for it, so that way if I do get good news, it's great.

blargs... tomorrow better hurry up.