Good news and weird news..

Good news! I don't have cancer, but I do have something called Kikuchi Disease. It's a rare disease normally found in Japan. Weird right? From the sounds of it and the little info I was able to find on it, it won't kill me. Which is a good thing, but it will, and already has, caused me problems. I'm prone to having fevers atleast a few times a week now, my energy is just lack there of and I normally just have a feeling of cruddy..I just want to start feeling better. I have an appointment next Monday with a doc that will hopefully help figure this out and put me on meds that will help me feel more like myself. Ugh.... I hate feeling like crap.

What if?

Lately I've been noticing that I've been having those 'good days' and 'bad days' when it comes to my health, both physical, as well as mental. There are days where I have energy, I'm chipper, happy.. but then I've been having days where my thoughts go back to what my life has been like for the past year. Between being diagnosed with RA, my ex-fiance committing suicide, to depression and being put on medication, to a miscarriage, to the serious threat of cancer, it's been a challenge to say the least.

Though I keep telling myself, "This is only for now, all this is just a tiny portion of my life compared to the rest of it and it'll pass."

But sometimes it's just really hard to convince myself that.

I'm getting the results of my biopsy back tomorrow and I'm scared. A part of me is like "Nope, no cancer, I'm fine, this is just a fluke." But I can't help but be scared that there's that real danger that I may have Lymphoma. And if I do, what do I do? How can I afford to miss work? How the hell will I pay for all my medical bills and that's just the frivolous stuff. How am I going to live? Will the medication I'm put on ruin whatever chances I have of ever having children in the future? Will I survive this? Or will cancer just completely take over my body and just kill me over time.

I can't stand the thought of cancer killing me, to have something take over my body and just render me useless till I'm just laying in bed, waiting to be released.

I have a really bad habit of always thinking of the worst case scenario and Jeff always tells me to stop because it does nothing but stress me out.. but I guess the reason why I always think of worst case scenarios is because that way, in some small form, I'm preparing myself for it, so that way if I do get good news, it's great.

blargs... tomorrow better hurry up.

yep

for some reason i'm in a bitter mood tonight.

a friend, well, ex, is expecting a child.

and it's not fair.

why?

because why is it fair for someone who was so against having kids in the first place expecting a child, when someone like me who wanted a kid finally gets her chance, but then has it torn away because of a blighted ovum and then afterward being slapped with the high possibility of having cancer which may ruin any further possibility of ever having kids in the future.

thanks universe for fucking me over and giving things to people who never wanted them in the first place instead of to people who really do want them.

though i am glad that he's being responsible and not fleeing the scene. that's good at least.

awake

It's 5am and I'm wide awake. I took an oxycodone earlier. Helped with the pain, slept for maybe two hours,  but that was it. Woke back up, tossed, turned.. can't get back to sleep..

Then it hit me.

I had my surgical biopsy on Thursday. For the most part it went pretty well. Felt like crap after and had a bit of a fever the next day, but all in all, I'm recovering fairly well. They took a few lymph nodes and will be testing them for Lymphoma, to which I'll get the results with in a few days (hopefully) but I can't help but be scared out of my fucking mind.

Why?

Because it's not the dying part of cancer right now that was the first to scare me, it's not the pain in the ass sick as hell road ahead of me that I'm scared of, it's the "How the fuck am I going to pay for this shit?".

Goes to show how awesome this country is right? Where the first thing someone thinks of when they find out they may have cancer is how they're going to pay for it.

I keep telling myself though that I don't have cancer. I'm fine and I'm just worrying over nothing. I don't have all of the crazy symptoms, like night sweats, crazy weight loss.. Yeah I've had mild fevers more so than normal, but that may just be because of an infection my body is trying to fight off that cause the swollen lymph nodes. 

But the fact that more lymph nodes are starting to pop up and spread... and the fact that I have been fairly tired recently and my energy just isn't all there..

Ugh, I don't have cancer... I need to stop freaking out over nothing.