Mourning

It's been a little bit over a week since Phil passed away and I'm still finding it hard to believe that he's gone. I managed to find the pictures I've hidden away of him, as well as some old hi-8's that I watched last night. Just to watch those videos of him running around and just being generally silly or being a wonderful teacher when it comes to shooting just made it so much harder to accept that he did what he did.

I was given a business card for grief counseling.. and now I'm faced with the struggle to call or not to call. A part of me thinks, "Why should I call? They'll just tell me the same thing everybody else tells me." which is the whole "It's not your fault." "There isn't anything you could of done to stop this." and regarding to me feeling completely guilty for the things that were said the last time we spoke, "He was the one that ended things before you had a chance to reconcile, he didn't give you that opportunity." and in some ways it helps but in other ways it hurts.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to mourn the way I am only because we haven't been on very good terms the last year or so...

It's been two days since I've been back to work. Yesterday was a bit rough, and today was a bit easier, but there were moments that just hit me out of nowhere and blind side me and took everything I had to not break down and cry.

Honestly, not a day has gone by where I hadn't shed a tear. I don't think I've ever mourned like this before and it scares me.

Guess I should call that number at some point...