Late night

Lots of things going on.

I have surgery set for Thursday to remove some lymph nodes. They want to do a more in depth test for lymphoma. That's fun.. needless to say the last few months I've been dealing with this hasn't been the most pleasant. I doubt I have it though, only because I'm not showing most of the signs.. only like.. the major one with swollen lymph nodes, but very very few of the rest if that makes sense.

I'm at playlist live right now. Honestly, conventions for me are basically just a chunk of time to hang out with my friends that I don't see very often with the bonus of seeing random talent.

Though I feel like recently, something always ticks me off or gets me in a mood that just bothers me and hurts my feelings.

I'm done trying to be a cool kid. I'm done trying to hang out with people who clearly don't want to make an effort to hang out with me (but only do when they need something from me). I went down to the pool so I could hang out with a few people. Was swimming with a group I considered friends, but i kept getting the vibe that they didn't want to be around me and you can tell with how they just slowly kept swimming away and turning their backs from time to time. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but over the years I've learned how to read the body language of someone who doesn't want anything to do with you and that fucking hurts..

I don't want to be seen as that person just awkwardly standing in the background that someone can't get rid of. I hate that and I always feel bad when I see that at conventions. I guess it's one of the main reasons why I always jump around between different groups... but am never really fully a part of one.

I just want to feel like I belong.

I'd just like to be considered..

I'm done trying...

/whine /emo /fail

fuck, you'd think i'm old enough to not care about this bull shit

Unpublished Memories

I can't even begin to count the amount of hours I've spent sitting in front of a camera where the footage that was created never saw the light of day, or the posts that I've written where the publish post button was never pushed.

I feel like my need to blog/vlog suddenly left me.

I used to have a livejournal account that I wrote in for nearly 7 years. It's still there, but I haven't written in it in forever and in a way, I feel really bad. I feel like I've abandoned a trusted confidant. Something that I've poured my heart and soul into, my history, in a sense, and then just one day..... stopped.

Then I picked up a blogpost, thinking maybe a new platform will help motivate me in writing more. I mean, a bunch of my friends in the youtube community have one, so it's a good networking tool other than youtube to stay connected, but even then, my fingers just couldn't type the words I wanted to type.

In a way, I felt like I suddenly had this silencing veil thrown onto me, telling me that I should be careful what I say. In a way, it's true, but at the same time, it's hindered me. Greatly.

I sat in front of my camera today and tried to vlog. Some of the footage I'm sure is usable.. but toward the end I just thought.. why am I doing this? This isn't good footage.. nobody is going to watch this, so why bother?

I really should stop putting myself down and actually just jump in with two feet.

Though I keep saying that and nothing happens.