Accepting Help

A few weeks ago, I took one of the biggest steps of my life.

I asked for help.

For a few years now, I've been dealing with anxiety and depression. I refused to get help because in my head I was like "Why do I have to get help? I can get myself out of these funks just fine. I got this." And for a while, I was able to force myself out of it.

But with in the past few months, things started going down hill quick. My thoughts were becoming more frequent. I would sit in front of my meds and wonder, "How much would it take?". Between my diagnoses of RA (with the possibility of Lupus), Phil's suicide, money, job and relationship stuff, I had reached my breaking point and I cracked and had a nervous breakdown (which included me punching a door..). I seriously considered just ending it all. I didn't try though, but long story short, it was a very bad night.

Jeff convinced me to finally get some help. The next day I called my doctor and made an appointment. I went in and just explained everything that was going on. After talking and making me get an xray for my hand (which was fine), he prescribed me an anti-depressant/anxiety medication called Lexapro and referred me to talk to someone.

I was a little uneasy about going on medication since there is a social stigma that floats around it, but one of my friends put it this way. You take a multi-vitamin to supplement what your body doesn't create or what you're not getting enough of. If you don't make enough glucose, you take medicine to supplement that. At this moment, my brain just doesn't make enough serotonin and I have to take something to help balance it out. So after looking at it from that angle, it made things just a little bit easier.

I've only been on it for a few weeks and slowly my body has been adjusting. After the first night of taking it, I slept nearly all day, as well as the day after that. So besides just being tired and drowsy, which thankfully is slowly getting less of, it's slowly beginning to work. Work doesn't stress me out as much and I'm able to handle stressful situations more calmly, and the 'thoughts' are getting less and less.

I had my first appointment with a "shrink" the other day. It went okay, it was just one of those "Let's get to know each other and why you're here" type of deal. Come to find out that he doesn't deal with medication and I need a doc I can talk to as well as deal with meds. So he referred me to another person.. all while saying I should keep seeing him. Um... why? Don't really see a point in seeing two shrinks when I can just see one who is an all-in-one doc. Warning bells went off in my head when he mentioned that. Only down side right now is that my appointment with the other guy isn't till October, so I'll see the other guy one or two more times till this guy rolls around and then go from there.

A part of me was scared about writing this out and throwing it out there for the world to see, but at the same time, I need to write this stuff out. Writing used to be a huge outlet for me (with Livejournal) and I used to write and write with out a care in the world of who would read it... and lately I've been nervous about who reads my stuff... but no more. From now on, this blog will most likely not be censored. It'll most likely be riddled with ramblings that may not make any sense at all and there maybe days where things will be thought out... but I'm done with being worried about who reads this. Though it helps when not a lot of people read it in the first place.. ha..

Anyway.. my meds are kicking in and I'm getting tired... tomorrow's my friday. huzzah.