It's incredible to think that this much time has passed, and the pain is still fresh, though each day it's getting a bit easier. It's getting to the point where I'll have good days, and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day... a really bad day. It started okay, went to my rheumatologist and had all my joints x-rayed then afterward started driving home.
And that's when the thoughts happened.
It got so bad that I had to call my friend Dan. Thankfully he and I talked it out and I was able to calm down, but he kept with me till I was better. He had a friend who passed by taking his own life as well, so in a way, it was nice to have someone who understood everything I was feeling.
But the thoughts scared me shitless. I went to the book store and I was talking to Dan on the phone, telling him that I wanted to get something that could help. At the time all I could find were novel like books. I didn't want a novel, I told Dan, I wanted a friggin text book. Something with bullets and lists and sections and something that I can skip around and find information I need on how to handle this new territory.
Thankfully I found one. "Touched by Suicide; Hope and Healing after Loss." Sounds cheesy, but so far it's helped and made me realize that I'm not the only one whose gone through this and whose felt what I felt.
There was one part though that stuck out which is so very true:
"Compassion comes from unlikely sources. People whom you least expect may come through for you during your time of need. On the other hand, you may also know the hurt and betrayal of friends or relatives or co-workers turning away from you, unable or unwilling to deal with your grief."
And that's what's going on. Friends whom I thought would be right there by my side when I really needed them the most, have been turning away. Friends who I really needed, just not there.
Yes, I have a few people who have been there for me, especially M, she's been wonderful.
But it hurts to see my fear of what was happening written down on paper.
I'm honestly tempted to find one group therapy session to attend. Though a part of me finds that ridiculous. He and I barely spoke the last year, and as I said, the last time we spoke was on bitter terms... and sometimes I feel like I don't even have the right to mourn him like I am. Like... it shouldn't be taking me this long.
ugh...
3 comments:
Hugs.
You have as much of a right to grieve as anyone else. Sorry people suck. Please take care of yourself!
-Dasha
PS - we read "No Time to say goodbye" and it was good. If you want to try fiction on topic, try Joyce Carol Oates's Missing Mom (aka Mother Missing in later editions).
I often wondered in my own experiences whether people really understood how much I was hurting. There were the close friends, yeah, who totally did, but the ones I expected to be there, weren't, so I often look back and wonder if I made it clear that I needed them. It's actually part of the reason why I don't talk to one guy anymore. I thought he and I were great friends, I even helped him through a death two year prior, and when Melissa died, he didn't say a word to me.
Would you ever be interested in my own blog posts from two years ago? I realize they're not full of hope, but maybe you'll be be able to find something of value to take away.
Erica, if I could give you the biggest Mama T hug over the internet I would definitely be giving you tons right now. You have every right to be grieving the way you are. It doesn't matter that you two hadn't been speaking much, he was still a major part of your life and had a special place in your heart.
If you can find a session to pop in to go-for-it! Grief goes at its own pace, and it will hit you at the most random times. Smelling a certain smell, the way someone walks, a song, anything can bring back a flood of memory and emotion and that is OK, it's more than OK, it's healthy.
I hope you know how your journey amazes and inspires me. You are truly a beautiful and amazing woman. -hugs-
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