where do i belong?
seriously, i want to know where the hell i actually belong.
i feel like through out my entire life, i've never found an actual spot where i can say "this is it, i belong right here, this is where i feel right." i've never had that, and i'm 27 years old. there's something wrong with that.
now don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with jeff. jeff is awesome, i love him, that aspect is fine. i think that's the only solid thing i have going for me..
but as for friends? i seriously have no idea where the hell i belong. i have my friends from college, my three 'sisters', but even then, we've become insanely distant. one i haven't spoken to in god knows how long, cause i just feel like we just don't click any more, second is just so busy with school and work it's just hard to get a hold of her, and the other, we still talk on a daily basis, and she's the one i'm closest too, but still.. i feel distant.
i have a best friend in ct who i can talk too, she's the only honest to god, drop anything at the drop of a hat friend i have in the state of ct. yes, i have other friends, but nothing like ellen.
but even with these friends, they're all scattered.. every single one of them, too far away to drive to. too far away to make a weekend trip out of.
i have nerdfighters, but even in that community where at the start i was like "wow, i belong." now i just feel like i'm just turning into the outsider.. imposing on something that was already established. late to the game as they say.. and it's then i don't feel like i belong, cause even now i feel like some friendships i've made in the community is already starting to fizz out..
i have my dragons crew.. they're a pretty cool bunch.. but even so, half the crew has already been established and i just feel like i'm just imposing on something that's already rock solid.. the outsider whose trying to make a small, awkward spot for herself.
i know i'm just over thinking this. hell, it's close to 2am and my stupid brain tends to over react and i have no idea. trust me, i'm not writing this to get any type of pity from any of you.. i'm honestly just writing it for well.. myself. it needs to come out, and if i did this in vlog well.. let's just say you really don't wanna see my snot ridden face. it's not a pretty sight. but either way.. this had to come out somehow or else i wouldn't of been able to sleep at all...
i just really wish i knew where i belonged.. .
3 comments:
Well, I'm going to ignore the fact I wasn't mentioned as a close friend, so there. lol. But, I've figured this much out in my short time counting myself as an actual human being. You belong where ever you want to. And it requires work, it's never easy, hell nothing is ever easy, unless you have money, but that's a whole different can of worms. Having friends isn't the same as belonging either friends are far more difficult. Every relationship requires work, and if someone is willing to be your friend they'll work to keep you and you'll work to keep them. Maybe I'm looking at it from the view of someone with social anxiety tendencies, but I see myself as belonging where ever the hell I can be myself and no one walks away. You don't need a "group" so to speak, though they are nice and I look fondly on our old one as it was the last group I felt comfortable in, but it's not necessary to a sense of belonging. I didn't plan for this to be as lengthy as it is, but just remember the gist of this little diatribe, you are you, wherever you are and whoever you're with, you decide everything you go through and there is nothing that tells you to be a certain way so, don't try to belong, just belong. Hope I helped.
I think if you want to belong, be the kind of person you want to attract. College is a unique time for me. I was surrounded by a group of people who were a lot like me. In my late 20s, I felt bereft of that social circle. But you have to build new friendships or join a community where you can re-experience that feeling. Again, steadiness and fidelity are the keys to belonging.
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