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I'm doing such a horrible job at updating this! I'm so sorry.. but it's not like it really matters anyway, cause I don't think that many people really read this (judging by lack of comments, but I could be wrong..).

Work's been pretty decent lately. I did something to my wrist today because of the harnesses' which kicked up my carpel-tunnel in the worst way. I was half tempted to go to Team Care and get it looked at, but I knew all they were gonna do was wrap it up, put me on advil and then put me on Safety for a week which means no platform. Sorry, but I may like Greeter rotation, but not that much. So, I went home, thinking I'd just put my brace on I had here.. well.. of course it goes MIA when I need it... I remember seeing it at some point but ugh, go figure.

Summer plans are almost in full swing! I've asked for time off in July as well as August for Paige's b-day party bonanza and EmotiCon up at Alan's place. I really am excited for what this summer has in store and I hope everything follows through as planned! Crossing fingers..

Album stuff.. yeah... I have yet to even start writing music.. and to be honest, I highly doubt I'll be able to reach my new years resolution of writing an album (or atleast an EP's worth) of music. I don't know why I'm having such trouble. It sucks, it really does.... I need a really good muse is what I need. I'll be accepting applications asap!

Raquel and I hung out the other night, fun times were had by all. I tossed out an idea to her about making a Harry Potter fan film type thing. She's game. Woot.. Now it's just plotting it out. I actually had a number of scenes run through my head today while I was on platform, scenes I'm not about to reveal yet cause well.. it'd spoil the flick ;)

UGH!! So many things, story lines, plots, charectors running through my head it's just giving me a headache...

yeah.. i'm done rambling now....

I wanna hear good news

I admire the Five Awesome Girls because even if they have crappy days, they still find something there that's awesome.

Today, I'm finding it a tiny bit hard to do that. Woke up this morning not really feeling all that great. I had a rough time sleeping last night, ended up sleep walking about once, and woke up about 2-3 times. Got to work and missed getting hit by a Lynx bus by a foot. I literally had to jump back so I wouldn't get squashed. That did not go over well for me. I've had near misses before, but nothing that came that close, and with those I was like "Wow, suck" then moved on. But this one shook me up to the point where my lead didn't want me to work and sent me home. 

So I'm glad I was able to come home and relax. I also managed to get a hold of someone at the Lynx bus company and told them what had happened. I don't want anything from them, I just wanted them aware of the situation, but I did tell them that my lead sent me home because of this.

Bah, screw it, I'm gonna try and make a list of the GOOD things that so far have taken place:

- I didn't get squashed like a pancake and I'm alive.

- I was able to get ER'd (early release) because I have an awesome lead whose incredibly understanding.

- Mandy and I went to TGI Fridays where we had awesome food and came home with cheesecake that is now in the fridge, waiting to be devoured.

Another awesome thing that happened yesterday was Justin and Cody booking their tickets to Florida in July! I can't wait.

Ugh.. I'm going to go sleep now..

why did i post this?

where do i belong?

seriously, i want to know where the hell i actually belong.

i feel like through out my entire life, i've never found an actual spot where i can say "this is it, i belong right here, this is where i feel right." i've never had that, and i'm 27 years old. there's something wrong with that.

now don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with jeff. jeff is awesome, i love him, that aspect is fine. i think that's the only solid thing i have going for me..

but as for friends? i seriously have no idea where the hell i belong. i have my friends from college, my three 'sisters', but even then, we've become insanely distant. one i haven't spoken to in god knows how long, cause i just feel like we just don't click any more, second is just so busy with school and work it's just hard to get a hold of her, and the other, we still talk on a daily basis, and she's the one i'm closest too, but still.. i feel distant.

i have a best friend in ct who i can talk too, she's the only honest to god, drop anything at the drop of a hat friend i have in the state of ct. yes, i have other friends, but nothing like ellen.

but even with these friends, they're all scattered.. every single one of them, too far away to drive to. too far away to make a weekend trip out of.

i have nerdfighters, but even in that community where at the start i was like "wow, i belong." now i just feel like i'm just turning into the outsider.. imposing on something that was already established. late to the game as they say.. and it's then i don't feel like i belong, cause even now i feel like some friendships i've made in the community is already starting to fizz out..

i have my dragons crew.. they're a pretty cool bunch.. but even so, half the crew has already been established and i just feel like i'm just imposing on something that's already rock solid.. the outsider whose trying to make a small, awkward spot for herself.

i know i'm just over thinking this. hell, it's close to 2am and my stupid brain tends to over react and i have no idea. trust me, i'm not writing this to get any type of pity from any of you.. i'm honestly just writing it for well.. myself. it needs to come out, and if i did this in vlog well.. let's just say you really don't wanna see my snot ridden face. it's not a pretty sight. but either way.. this had to come out somehow or else i wouldn't of been able to sleep at all...

i just really wish i knew where i belonged.. .

May 2nd, 1998

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass, they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal.

            -- William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude.