I have been a Linkin Park fan ever since their first album, Hybrid Theory was released in 2000. Their music has been a huge part of my life, especially in the early 2000's.
I have always suffered from depression. It started to show itself in middle school and grew into high school. I was never accepted into any one group, I never really trusted anybody, friendships came and went. I was tormented and my self-esteem was shit, and my grades reflected that. There were times in my junior/senior year where I seriously considered killing myself. I even hid a knife in my room under my mattress and would curl up under my desk, holding it against my wrist, but never finding the courage to ever really cut. Instead, my anxiety would show with my continuously scratching my wrist with my thumb nail till the skin was raw. I was easily able to hid it with a watch.
I've showed the signs of wanting help. I've spoken with my school's guidance counselor, who has expressed concern to my parents. My mother refused to accept I was most likely clinically depressed, and instead of having me see a professional, had me see a priest, and even our town's youth counselor. Both of which, were not really qualified to deal with what I was going through. I continued to show signs of needing help. I acted out. I punched walls when I got angry (I've had to get x-rays twice on my hand). I even had to be sent home from school to get x-rays when I punched a cabinet multiple times out of frustration.
Yet did my parents have me see a professional? No.
I kept thinking once I was out of high school, I could finally maybe begin a new life. Fresh start. I was good for a while, away from some of the stresses high school had caused. It was around that time I started to hear about Linkin Park. Chester's anger and raging lyrics rang through my soul and I found I wasn't the only one who felt like this. I knew other people were struggling like me. The music was an outlet for me, and I clung to it like a life saver.
Whenever I was having a rough day, I'd blast one of their tracks.
After nearly 20 years of battling my demons, I had finally accepted help a few years back and am now on medication routine which helps keep the weight of the black cloud from getting too heavy.
And through this entire time, Chester and Linkin Park was there, with a song to help me a long.
Then yesterday I heard he had committed suicide.
I knew he was suffering with depression worse than me, including drugs and alcohol, yet I didn't want to believe someone who was so open about his condition, who used his music as a form of therapy, died.
I was devastated.
And that scared me.
I've been hearing lately of depression claiming more lives. Most of which of people who were open, and supportive, and were getting help...
But I feel that sometimes, help can only go so far and there's just a point where depression wins.
And I'm terrified.
What if depression claims me? I have no thoughts or plans of suicide. Emma and Paul and my family is what keeps me going. I've seen the effects first of hand of what suicide can do to people because of my ex-boyfriend who shot himself. The unanswered the questions, the anger, the never knowing why.. It's torture.
I could never put my family through that.
Yet what is scary, is I'm sure Chester thought the same thing. He has 6 children. 6 kids who will wonder why their dad just "gave up." 6 kids whose lives are now forever changed. A wife who is now widowed. Friends and family who are left to pick up the pieces and try and make sense of why this happened.
What if that happens to me? What if my illness continues and it kills me?
I've been listening to Linkin Park's, One More Light album. I was so excited to know they were releasing another album. I wasn't really too much of a fan at first. The sound of the album was something I wasn't used to when it came to Linkin Park. It was a bit more subdued and ballad like; however, the more I listened to the lyrics, I fell in love.
And now, I'm really hearing the lyrics of Chester's music in a whole new light.
I feel like this album was his goodbye. I feel like deep down, he knew depression was going to wrap it's hands around him and drag him down against his will.
God, I hope I'm wrong with that.
But this album has such a deeper meaning to me now.
Heavy describes perfectly how it is inside someone's head who is living with depression.
One More Light feels like a cry of help..
Battle Symphony describes the strength it can take to take on each day..
I can only hope people can learn from this and reach out to get help. I hope it's a wake up call to those who need help. I hope people who listen to these songs can pick up on the signs someone maybe feeling and reach out and get them help.
"If my armor breaks, I'll fuse it back together."
I'm going to keep going. I'm going to wake up every day and battle it. Daring it. There will be days where I can keep my sword in it's sheath at my side, and there will days where I will have to draw it out.
I'm going to continue taking my medication. I'm going to continue to speak with my therapist. I'm going to be seeking an actual Psychologist to make sure my medication regiment is on point.
I'm going to play my Battle Symphony.
If you, or someone you know needs help, please, speak up. Visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
or call 1-800-273-8255.
If you need immediate help, Please, Call 911.
Love you.
