Again, I've been neglecting this blog again.. I used to write nearly all the time, especially back when I had a LiveJournal account. I guess it's just because I feel as if I just can't write as "freely" as I used to be able to.
I've been struggling a lot these last few months, more so than I care to admit. I feel like all I do now is just throw on another face and go about my day, pretending that everything is fine, when really it's not. Every day I trick myself into smiling, into acting like everything is fine. I drown myself in other things to push what's really going on out of the way.
I'm still not over his death. You would think that three months later that I would be fine, that I would of accepted and move on, but this... I can't. I can't accept that he shot himself. I can't accept that he's just gone, just like that, before I even had a chance to apologize. It doesn't help either that he's been popping up into my dreams a lot recently. Sometimes it's nice, where we just talk about random things, sometimes it's scary (I dream about that night).
I see a picture and I think to myself, "How can he be gone? How could he have done that?"
At the end of September I'll be driving down to visit his grave on my way to visit my Nana and uncle. Maybe then I'll be able to finally be able to start the process of moving on....
but I don't think I'll ever be able to accept that he's gone..
