Oh hai

Oh hai.

Sorry I've been neglecting this blog these last few weeks. Thankfully, I've slowly began to learn to live with Phil's suicide. I've had some extremely rough patches over the last month or so, some of which were just down right terrifying, but thanks to the support I have from M as well as a few others, I've pushed past that thick wall and now just have little sheets of paper to tear through every once in a while.

Things down here have been pretty well. This past weekend was spent at Third Eye Blind on Saturday with my friend and fellow nerdfighter/team member, Jordan. It was so much fun reliving the nostalgia. I swear, 3EB and Matchbox 20 was the soundtrack to my high school years, which by the way, has been 10 years since I've graduated this past month. Insane!

While there, my friend and fellow YouTuber, Thor found me. He was with Tim The Tracker and his wife, Jenn as well as Jon. It was so much fun hanging out with them. I love my YouTube family.

Fun fact. A random nerdfighter came up to me and said my shirt was "So Jokes." It was epic and made me happy.

Sunday went by with out any real thrill till Monday. Monday I woke up, went outside to check something, looked up and oh hai pillar of smoke. There was a huge hotel fire that broke out about three miles up the road from me. It burned for nearly 48hrs and this morning on my drive into work at around 5am, I could still smell and see a little bit of smoke. 

So yeah.. that was fun.

Work is work. Fun fun. Nothing really to report there, except for my battle with my supervisor for mayorship of the trailer. He stole it from me today, but I will steal that title back.. it will be mine.. mwaha..ha..haha... yeah.

LeakyCon is two weeks away! Two weeks!! I'm nearly bouncing with excitement! I can't wait. Monday, Karen flys in while Ryan drives down and that night we're going to the HATP show. Tuesday I work, then Weds we deal with registrations (I believe) and then that night.. Open at the Close! Which I will be working.. because honestly, I can't see myself spending x amount of money to go to a park that I work for, and go to for free.. so I might as well work it, put in some hours, earn some $$ and be a part of it that way, and funny thing is: I don't want to be in controls. I want to stay out on Platform or at Greeter. haha.. I'm awkward.

But yes! If you're going to Leaky and you're going to the event, come find me and say Hi!

Aaaaaannddd... I'm out. bai

Take a sad song and make it better

It's been 4 weeks. I don't know why I'm finding myself counting these weeks. I think I'm still trying to grasp onto the fact that he's gone. It still hasn't officially hit me yet. In a few days it'll be officially a month. How did that much time go by?

I've been doing better though about getting back into my normal routine. This past weekend was fun. I went my OHPC (Orlando Harry Potter Club) club meeting and had a blast hanging out with friends. Sadly, one of our members is moving away, so it was a bittersweet meeting, but either way, it was a lot of fun. :)

Sunday was spent up in Inverness on my cousin Johnny's boat. On the drive up I felt a bit off, but I brushed it off and felt pretty good while out on the boat. It was fun and relaxing to finally be back out on the boat and out on the water again. Made me miss living out in the area and being close to water. Sad. Anyway, as soon as I got home I got smacked with either a really bad cold or a minor sinus infection. Either way, the last few days haven't been fun and so I've had to call out of work yesterday and today. I wasn't to happy with it. I hate calling out of work cause I know shit can get screwed up if staffing is lack there of.. but I can't risk going in and making myself sicker, not with how things have been recently.

LeakyCon 2011 is around the corner! I'm so excited to be seeing a good chunk of my fandom friends again. The schedule was just released and ahhh.. so excited. I'm still debating about buying a ticket to the actors panel.. I really should. Rawr.. Anywho, Deathly Hallow tickets are on sale. Already got mine, but I'll be going with all the Leaky kids. So excited about that!

I've been getting into Rift more lately. If anybody plays, let me know! I'm on the Spitescar shard and my char's name is Alsenari.

Anything else? Oh yeah, this Saturday is the one year anniversary of Wizarding World being officially open. That's fun. Crazy to think that it's been a year. It's been and still is fun. :)

rawr

Apology Dream

Last night/early this morning I had a dream where I was out on a shooting range with Phil. I had my uncle's pistols with me, especially the 1911 A1, which he loved to shoot whenever we visited my grandparents house. We walked down the hill to one of the shooting stations (it was outdoors) and as we were walking, I noticed he was sad and quiet. I reached out and took his hand and when we got to the station, I turned to him and said, "It's okay.. I'm sorry." and he said he was sorry as well, and then gave me a small smile. In the end, it was like a quiet understanding passed between us and it made me feel a bit better. Afterward I looked up the hill and saw M and she came down and we hugged each other and when I turned around, he was gone.

It was so weird, but it felt good to actually apologize, and also hear him apologize. After I woke up, I went straight to my laptop and sent M a message about my dream.

A few hours later, I get a txt saying she had a dream very similar to mine, where she was on the range with him and he apologized for what he did and so on and so forth.

I have to admit, we were both pretty impressed and found it bizarre that we both had similar dreams, but I'm really really glad we had that 'moment' in a sense to know that he's okay and that he's sorry for what happened.

I know a lot of people don't believe in these things, but a large part of me does. It's just so weird to me that she and I had a very similar dream.. there has to be something involved in that other than just weird coincidence.

3 weeks

It's the three week mark.

It's incredible to think that this much time has passed, and the pain is still fresh, though each day it's getting a bit easier. It's getting to the point where I'll have good days, and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day... a really bad day. It started okay, went to my rheumatologist and had all my joints x-rayed then afterward started driving home.

And that's when the thoughts happened.

It got so bad that I had to call my friend Dan. Thankfully he and I talked it out and I was able to calm down, but he kept with me till I was better. He had a friend who passed by taking his own life as well, so in a way, it was nice to have someone who understood everything I was feeling.

But the thoughts scared me shitless. I went to the book store and I was talking to Dan on the phone, telling him that I wanted to get something that could help. At the time all I could find were novel like books. I didn't want a novel, I told Dan, I wanted a friggin text book. Something with bullets and lists and sections and something that I can skip around and find information I need on how to handle this new territory.

Thankfully I found one. "Touched by Suicide; Hope and Healing after Loss." Sounds cheesy, but so far it's helped and made me realize that I'm not the only one whose gone through this and whose felt what I felt.

There was one part though that stuck out which is so very true:

"Compassion comes from unlikely sources. People whom you least expect may come through for you during your time of need. On the other hand, you may also know the hurt and betrayal of friends or relatives or co-workers turning away from you, unable or unwilling to deal with your grief."

And that's what's going on. Friends whom I thought would be right there by my side when I really needed them the most, have been turning away. Friends who I really needed, just not there. 

Yes, I have a few people who have been there for me, especially M, she's been wonderful. 

But it hurts to see my fear of what was happening written down on paper.

I'm honestly tempted to find one group therapy session to attend. Though a part of me finds that ridiculous. He and I barely spoke the last year, and as I said, the last time we spoke was on bitter terms... and sometimes I feel like I don't even have the right to mourn him like I am. Like... it shouldn't be taking me this long.

ugh...

the following is emo, proceed with caution

It was two weeks Tuesday. It was a bit hard, and thankfully I was able to get an early release since I didn't get any sleep.. that sucked. So I came home, slept for a good chunk of the day, played a little RIFT, slept some more and then went to a meeting at work. Afterward, while we were walking back to wardrobe, a friend of mine and I got to talking. He asked me how I was, and I told him that I was alright, considering. We spoke a bit and he let me vent a bit, which was good... and then he asked me how my local support was, to which I said. "I don't really have local support."

The reason I say that is because I don't have anybody down here that knows who Phil was, so it's one of those... I want to talk about it to my "friends", but I'm not going to unless it's brought up really...cause I mean shit.. it's a heavy subject.

In the end, I'm all alone down here with out any real support. I've been talking with Phil's girlfriend lately, and she and I have been helping each other through this, but the phone can only offer so much support...

I just want someone down here to give me a big hug, say "Hey, let's go out and get your mind off things." and I don't even really have that... Yeah, I have friends and such down here at work, but nobody ever asks me if I ever want to hang out. Nobody goes out of their way to see if they wanna hang out with me. It's always me suggesting and I'm sick of it....I'm just sick of it.

guess I should just take a fucking hint and stop trying..

ugh.. this is such an emo blog...

I'm just so upset and I'm sick and tired of being so upset and hurt and angry and scared and just lost. I don't want to accept that he's gone, I don't want to accept that he killed himself, I don't want to accept anything. I want to believe that this never happened and that everything is fine and life can just go on like normal.

but life is fucked up and plans get screwed up....