This article struck a note with me:
http://www.aolnews.com/nation/article/ohios-mentor-high-school-under-scrutiny-after-spate-of-suicides/19667585?icid=main|main|dl1|sec1_lnk3|176523
I have a learning disability. Reading/Listening comprehension, to which I was in Special Ed for. I'm not ashamed to admit that. Yes, I was a Sped student. But guess what, I'm not mentally handicapped or have downs or anything like that. I'm normal. I just learn differently than everybody else. Over the years I have been able to learn to live with it and work around it to where it doesn't impede on my daily life. Because of this, I was also a target. All through school, I was tormented by my peers either because of my learning disability or just because I was the odd one out.
It wasn't till middle school is when things really started to go south. I was tormented every single day. Yes, I had friends, but I honestly didn't trust half of them because of how I was being tormented. So finding someone that I could rely one was lack there of. It made me feel small. It made me feel useless, and it made me think that maybe I just shouldn't be around anymore. That's a shit load of thoughts a 14 year old shouldn't have to deal with. Thankfully, I had a counselor who I could talk to, plus an outside therapist, my church, and also the support from my parents who helped try and pick up the pieces that were my self esteem from the floor. Another thing that helped alot was my mom enrolling me in Kenpo Karate, which helped me gain confidence in myself.
There were times that I'd wish I actually had a solid friend to help me, other than outside help, but when you have a class of 50+/- kids that you've grown up with since preschool, finding someone who wasn't against you was slim pickins.
Thankfully High School was a little better since alot of the kids started to mature for the most part.. but either way, I was still an outsider and had no idea where the hell I fit in or belonged. I wasn't an athlete, I was a cheerleader for only half a semester and quit, and I was far from popular, so in those years I was still tormented from time to time. Thankfully, by that time I overcame my depression (for the most part) and just focused on graduating and getting the hell out of there and tried to just ignore everybody. And because I wasn't friends with really anybody in my class, I never went to my senior outing. Why bother when I was just an outcast?
Today, I'm pretty much happy with how I am, but I still can't help but feel paranoid that the friends that I have don't feel the same way about me as I do about them. It's pathetic, I know, but it's a scar from all the bullying that not matter how hard I try, I just can't cover it up.
